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“It’s not just about you. I’ve been selfish. You wanna know why all of this is fucked up? Because there are two men, who I’ve led on, waiting to meet me in five days, two men who are leaving it up to me to determine if they’re going to have a family or not. Because I’m supposed to be taking prenatal vitamins, not drinking. Because I haven’t decided at all whether I’m going through with any of it. Because I overheard Jolene on the plane telling the other flight attendant—who you also screwed over—what an asshole you are. Because my lawyer who got me off the hook is yet another one of your cheap lays. Because I feel like maybe I’m a fool for thinking I’m somehow different than all of them. Because maybe my getting arrested was a sign that sleeping with you would have been a colossal mistake. Because I still don’t know if I can trust you. I can really go on and on.”
That was hard to hear, and I honestly didn’t know what to say. I could understand her doubts about me, and no matter how strongly I felt about her, there wasn’t going to be an easy way to prove it to her.
After a long silence, I finally said, “I understand the situation you’re in, and you’re right to have those concerns about me.”
“There’s just so much at stake, and I could be sacrificing everything for a man who’s going to burn me. How am I different from them, Carter? Tell me. All the other women…how am I any different?”
I knew this was it. This was my only chance to answer that question in as honest a way as possible, or I was going to lose her.
I ran my wet hands through my hair and let out a deep breath. “I’m not proud of myself for the way I’ve lived my life thus far. Everything you’ve heard…it’s all true, Kendall, all of it. I’m not trying to hide anything from you. But nothing has been the same since the day we met. I don’t know how to exactly explain why this feels different. It’s still too new. The only thing I continue to be sure of is that I want more time to figure it out, more than I want anything.”
Her breathing became heavier, and I knew I needed to look her in the eyes.
“I need you to turn around and face me.”
When she finally did, I repositioned my legs around her, locking her in. “This is me, the real me. Not the pilot, not the playboy or any of the labels branded on me because of dumb decisions. I need you to know that the last thing I want is to hurt you. I will do everything in my power to avoid that. But you have to understand that I can’t change my fucked-up past.”
Her eyes started to well up. “It’s not just you. I’m so fucked up, too, Carter.
I wiped a tear that fell down her cheek with my thumb. “We’re both fucked up. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe we see a little of ourselves in each other. We’re two wrongs that somehow make a right. Inseparable we’re miserable, but together…we somehow work. I know this isn’t a simple situation. I know you have decisions to make.”
“I’m scared.”
“Wanna know the truth? I’m scared for you, too. When you told me what was going on with you back in Rio, I really hadn’t let it sink in. I thought a lot about it on the flight over here, actually. That’s some scary shit. But I understand your dilemma. It’s a lot of freaking money—your family’s legacy. You feel a responsibility to uphold that, and you’re trying to do it in a way that would actually help people—these guys in Germany. But you’re not ready to make a decision, Kendall. I don’t want you to make a mistake you can never take back. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you’re just not ready to commit to having a child. That’s not gonna change in five days, either. You need more time. You need to put off that trip to Germany at least until you’re sure.”
I need more time, too.
Just give me more time with you.
“If we continue this adventure, I can’t sleep with you, Carter. As much as I want to, I decided that wouldn’t be a good idea after all.”
“I get it. I’m not gonna lie and say that makes me happy or that it will be easy for me. But I understand it and respect it. And I promise not to pressure you, either.”
We stared into each other’s eyes until I leaned in and kissed her forehead and kept my lips pressed against it. I momentarily lost my senses and my composure when I spoke against her skin, “Don’t leave me yet, Perky.”
She pulled back to look at me, and when she suddenly smiled, it felt like she’d released my heart from a chokehold. “What’s on tap today then?” she asked.
Relief.
“Well…” I smiled. “We nap. Then when we wake up, we’ll have an early dinner of some of Amari’s shawarma, then some hookah.”
“Did you just call me a hooker?” She laughed.
My laughter roared throughout the bathroom. It felt so fucking good to let it out after the tension of a few minutes ago.
“No. Hookah. Also known as shisha. It’s a water pipe used to smoke flavored tobacco. They smoke it out back after supper. It’s a tradition here. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. But I promise, it’s the only pipe I’ll ask you to wrap your mouth around tonight.”
Kendall playfully pinched my cheeks. “There he is. I was starting to think you were going to make this no-sex thing easy for me by shutting your dirty mouth, too.”
“Oh, I said I’d respect your decision, but there’s no way that extends to my dirty mouth.”
“I love your dirty mouth, actually.”
“Someday, Perky. Someday…when you’re ready, you’ll realize just how dirty my mouth can be all over you. And you’ll love it.”
THE BATHTUB TALK WE’D HAD seemed to bring us closer together. That night, we sat outside in back of Amari’s property, which was basically the vast, dry desert, sharing not only a hookah pipe but also stories of our childhoods.
Kendall told me all about growing up on the ranch in Texas, and I let her in on some funny secrets, like how my sisters used to put makeup on me while I slept when we were kids.
