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Chapter Twenty-Three – Jess
“You look like you had a rough day,” Skyla says as she sets Tatum down onto my living room carpet so she can have her tea.
“That obvious, huh?”
“Wanna talk about it?” Tatum crawls over to the chair and pulls herself up. Skyla picks up a teddy and shakes it, and a tinkling bell sounds through my living room.
“One of these days, she’s going to take her first steps, and I’ll be so devastated if I miss it.”
I think about the little bean growing in my belly, and I already know that I don’t want to miss a single moment of my baby’s life.
When Tatum seems more interested in twerking instead of walking, Skyla turns her attention back to me.
“Shoot, sorry, I asked you a question and then got completely sidetracked.”
“When Jensen used to get back from an op, how was he?” Jensen had been lucky enough to score a job working at Camp Pendleton doing the new recruit training and wouldn’t be deployed as much. I was selfish enough to wish Chris’s situation were the same.
Skyla frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, does he act differently?”
Skyla reaches out and steadies Tatum just as she’s about to fall. “Since we’ve been together, he has only been sent away for a short, week-long stint. He came back quieter than usual. Why do you ask?”
“Ugh, this is going to be an overshare.”
Skyla reaches into her bag and pulls out two containers and wooden blocks of all shapes and sizes. Some were bigger than Tatum’s hands but light in weight. She pops one in the can and watches Tatum mimic her. I love that Skyla doesn’t use conventional toys to entertain Tatum. She always uses toys with different colors and textures that will make Tatum use her imagination. I guess with her being an occupational therapist, she has a load of tricks up her sleeve. I make a mental note to dip into her pool of knowledge when our baby is born. “That’ll keep her busy for a while. I’m here for all of it, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Besides, you know all my dirty secrets and anyway, nothing you can say is worse than Courtney’s stories from the ER.”
“I guess you have a point.” I laugh. If Skyla can share the most intimate details of her life, I can surely open up about this. I take a sip of my tea. “I don’t know what I expected when Chris came home. Maybe for him to be quieter than usual, but it wasn’t like that at first. The moment he saw me, he had me undressed and on the floor where he…” I shoot a look at Tatum and cover the side of my mouth and whisper, “fucked me right there on the floor. He was completely unapologetic, driving into me harder than he ever has.”
Skyla looks at me with concern in her eyes. “Was he too rough with you?”
“God, no! It was amazing. I’m not complaining, but there was a sense of desperation, and it felt like each thrust was another brick building up his walls.” I feel my cheeks burn. “See what I mean about oversharing?”
Skyla squeezes my hand. “Hey, it’s okay. It isn’t always easy having them home. Did something else happen?” she prompts when I remain silent.
“Well, then he disappeared for about three hours, got a tattoo, and helped Jensen. When he got back, he seemed even more closed off than before.
I scrub my hands over my face and lean back against the chair, blowing out a frustrated breath. “Ugh, you must think I’m pathetic whining about this stuff. I know he can’t tell me the ins and outs of the missions he goes on. I get that. I signed up for that. Even if I don’t always like it. But why won’t he just let me in a little? Tell me how he feels? How does he do what he does and keep everything locked inside?”
“I think maybe it’s a marine thing. It took ages for Jensen to open up, but eventually he did. Give it some time. In the meantime, I know he talks to Jensen about stuff. They were out there for hours the other day. I know better than to go near them after one of them comes back from deployment.”
Skyla must see my face fall because she claps a hand over her mouth. “Oh shit, did I say something wrong?”
“No, not at all. I just want to be the one he opens up to, you know?”
“I think maybe when he’s with you, he might want to focus on the good stuff and leave the bad stuff behind. It’s a mindset with them. They can’t afford to blur the lines of the job and home for their own sanity. It’s different with Jensen and me. The military is my life. My dad is a colonel, and my brother died in Afghanistan. Then there was Trent and Jensen, not to mention my job. I’m an old hat at this stuff. You’re still new to it all, you know? He might just be wanting to ease you in.”
“Maybe.” But I must say, I’m feeling a little better after my talk with Skyla. Maybe she’s right, and Chris is being sensitive to the idea that I’m not used to this lifestyle.
“Plus,” she draws out the word, “He’s not the only one keeping stuff quiet. You haven’t even told him about the baby yet.” She gives me a teasing grin.
“Ugh, whose side are you on, anyway?” I pout.
“Yours, always yours.” She laughs as she stands and I do too, and she gives me a hug. “I better go. It’s nearly time for this one’s nap, and let me tell you, she might be cute and cuddly now, but when she misses her nap, she turns into a monster.”
I glance over at Tatum, who’s quietly playing with her toys. “I find that hard to believe.”
“You’ll see.” Skyla laughs.
I help her gather all the toys and pick Tatum up, breathing in her sweet baby smell.
“Do you ever get sick of baby snuggles?”
Skyla strokes Tatum’s light caramel hair and replaces the little clip she has in it. “You know, there are days when I feel like I’m so exhausted I’m going to fall asleep on my feet, but then Tatum puts her arms out for cuddles, and it’s like I’m rejuvenated. There are also times I want to run screaming for the hills.”
I laugh. “I bet. I can’t wait for all the moments. Even the sleepless nights.”
Skyla laughs. “You say that now. Wait till a full three months of sleep deprivation hit you. You’ll literally find a public bathroom floor appealing for a nap.”
I feel like a weight has lifted off me. Being able to chat with Skyla about how I feel and laugh about the things to come has put a few things into perspective. I just need to give it a little more time. Chris and I have only been engaged for a month. Once he realizes he doesn’t need to protect me from his world, things will be so much better. I can’t wait.
