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Jess shakes her head. “It’s okay. I’ve had longer to process than you have.”
“Did I do this? Did I take this away from us?”
A tear tracks down her cheek, and I catch it with my thumb. She shakes her head. “No, it just wasn’t meant to be.” She turns and looks out the window. I watch her swallow repeatedly, and guilt nearly suffocates me as I swallow another lump of my own. So, it was my fault. I said I didn’t want kids, and the universe made fucking sure I got what I asked for. “Is the damage permanent? Does this mean…” I stop for a moment, not sure how to say this, but then just blurt it out. “Does it mean you can’t get pregnant again?”
She shakes her head. “No, the doctors say I’ll heal.”
Relief washes over me, and I bring her hands to my lips. “Thank God. Jess, I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a family with you, how much I want to watch your belly grow, how much I need this all in my life. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you. That I let fear get in the way of something so beautiful.
“Chris…”
“No, Jess, please listen. I’m a fucking idiot. I said all that stuff about not wanting kids because… Well, it doesn’t matter why. I was scared and stupid, and now I know more than I’ve known anything in my life that I want a family with you. It’s true what they say about not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I didn’t know how much I wanted this baby with you until we lost ours. Please forgive me. Please let me be the father of your child.
“Chris, please…”
“I need you, Jess. Be my family, make a family with me. Let me make this right.”
“Chris!” The way she says my name this time makes me think I’m not going to like what she says next. She moves her hand, bringing the sheet under her chin. “It can’t work between us.”
I sit up straighter. “What do you mean, it can’t work? It worked. It was working.”
“Was it, though?” She reaches for another ice chip and sucks on it while my heart stops beating. “We weren’t really in our relationship together. I was all in, but you? Most of you was locked down. You never let me in. I was part of you but not part of your life.”
“That’s not true.” I shake my head and reach for her hand again, but she pulls it away.
“Why didn’t you want kids? What made you say that? What changed?”
“I told you what changed.”
“Okay, but what made you say you didn’t want them in the first place?”
I feel it, the wall building up brick for brick. “I will not subject you to the ugly part of my life. Just don’t ask me that.”
She sits up and winces a little before settling back on the pillow. I feel so fucking helpless. I don’t know what to do for her. “That’s the point.” There’s a hollowness to her voice now.
“You don’t want to be part of that world, believe me.”
“I need to be part of that world to be part of yours. Chris, I can’t live another life where I’m on the outside looking in. My whole life with my parents is that way. I want more for myself. I need more for myself.” She starts crying in earnest now, and the nurse from earlier comes in.
“I think it’s time for Miss Summers to get some rest.”
This time no amount of glaring budges her. She folds her hands over her chest and stares me down.
I stand. “I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can talk about this. Don’t give up on us, Jess.”
She shakes her head again. “There is no us when I’m on the outside.”
I take a step toward her.
“Chris, just go, please. There’s nothing left to say, and you’re just making this harder.”
I stand on the spot, hands shoved into my pockets to stop me from charging to her bedside and gathering her into my arms. “Is this what you really want?”
She hesitates, and I feel my hopes soar.
“Yes. It’s what I really want. Please go.”
My hopes plummet, exploding and falling around me in a pile of burning ashes.
