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“Because I can’t afford to feel the things I feel around you,” he replied.
“Like what?” I seethed. “Good? Passionate? Actually interested?”
“Yes.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Not an answer. Why not?” I repeated fiercely.
“Because, Holland,” Iain growled, making my heart leap into my throat as he got suddenly right in my face. “Because when I feel good,” he muttered hotly, his stare piercing into me as I backed into the wall, “and I mean genuinely fucking fired up, and passionate, and fulfilled,” he murmured. “I hurt people. And I don’t mean I break their hearts, I hurt people physically. I ruin their lives. I leave a trail of fucking chaos, because the things I crave aren’t good, and you know that. You remember what I was like back then. You saw us coming back fucked up every night. Bloodied. Bruised. You knew your dad bailed Adam out of jail. That Speed Demon wasn’t just some funny thing with no consequences. We hurt people, and you weren’t so young that you couldn’t understand all that,” he hissed. “You were just so hell-bent on seeing something good behind it. But it wasn’t there and it still isn’t. I’ve just gotten really good at pretending.”
Teeth clenched, I stared back, refusing to look as daunted as I was.
“So, what? You can’t be with me because I’m just so good and pure and you’re just the total opposite?” I said scornfully once he stood again at a normal distance, his shoulders still tight, the fire still burning in his eyes.
“There’s nothing here for you, Holland,” he said simply. “I’m not the person you think I am. I’m not good. That’s not innately me.”
“I think you’re wrong,” I fought him.
“I don’t care,” he said cruelly, holding his stare to ensure I knew that he meant what he said. “It doesn’t matter what you think.”
The tears were burning in my eyes now as I stood there in shock, my chest feeling raw like my splintered heart was scraping my insides.
I didn’t even remember turning around. Walking away.
All I remembered was pacing back toward everyone, refusing to let myself cry.
I wasn’t going to do that.
I was just going to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. This awfulness crawling all over me.
It was seeping into my skin by the time I got back to the table where everyone was still happy, still laughing, still fake-arguing about who was going to get the stupid phone.
So taking a big swig of my drink, I slammed my cup down.
“You know what? I’ll get it,” I said, hearing a few of the guys say “what?” as I turned and went. Then came the sound of moving chairs, everyone standing up to watch me kick off my shoes and walk over to the pool, never breaking my stride before I jumped in.
Plunging deep.
Submerged myself in the cold.
And as I closed my eyes, I reveled in the peace and quiet. The way my tears weren’t tears here but just water. The sounds above me were muted and for a few seconds, that was just what I needed.
But when my heart finally stopped pounding, I kicked my way to A.J’s phone. I waded a little deeper down to grab it, and then I burst to the surface to the shattering volume of Adam’s friends cheering. Hooting and hollering. Making a scene.
It was one I would never normally survive—something Adam would incite and enjoy, not me.
But I just didn’t care right now.
“Holy shit, babe,” Caleb said, his eyes lit like Christmas lights as he appeared at the side of the pool to help me get out.
I said nothing as I took his hand and let him hoist me out of the water.
“Jesus. You’re gonna get me in trouble tonight, aren’t you?” he muttered, shaking his head as he stared at my dress.
It clung to me like a second skin as I walked with him back to the table, giving myself a three-second-long glance at Iain who stood paused a few tables down.
