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It whisked me away but still failed to drown out the little girl who forever lived in my thoughts, because on the morning of her thirteenth, I woke up gasping in tears. I felt her wondering why I hadn’t thought of her in so long. Elle had always been impossibly humorous about her situation but today, I knew I’d let her down. Toward the end, when she told me she’d be “moving” to Heaven, I’d told her that we would still talk every day. At the same time, every evening, I’d think of her and it would be my way of calling. Through my thoughts, I’d tell her my funniest story of the day and then I’d look up in the sky to make sure she heard it. If it was raining, she joked, that meant that she hadn’t. But probably just because she’d been “chillin’ with some angels,” and she would be back soon.
I spent a year telling her stories. But now I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked up in the sky for her and the guilt was suffocating me, so I stared out the window, desperately searching for my breath. In the midst of that, my phone buzzed with a text.
From Holly.
Happy birthday to our beautiful Elle. She’s smiling down on us and I know she misses you so so bad. I miss you too babe. I have your jacket that she loved to pieces. You need to take it back for her. Call me when you can. Love you
I nearly crushed my phone in my grip. “Our beautiful Elle.” Our beautiful Elle whose funeral you didn’t attend because you’d already booked a trip for Miami with Evan.
In tears, I both wallowed and fumed. Holly was the last person I needed to hear from. Not while thinking of my sister. Suddenly sobbing, I pulled on whatever my fingers snatched from the closet and grabbed a few bills from my wallet. I needed to be away, close to Elle, so I left the hotel with no keys, phone or wallet – just a few hundred dollars in my pocket and all my darkest thoughts in my head.
chapter twelve
I walked up the winding road of daisies that led to Elle’s grave. I had a long apology waiting for her on the edge of my lips. I wanted to start with being sorry for l
etting myself forget her, if even for a little. I wanted to explain that I’d get her jacket back soon. There were a hundred more things I had to say sorry for, but the second I reached the top of the hill, I gasped and choked on it all.
Already kneeling at her stone cross were my parents, in their best clothes, with armfuls of flower, notes and teddy bears.
Fuck. I froze, turned around and walked straight back down the hill, my tears completely silent so they wouldn’t hear me. Though my heart pounded, I floated like a zombie through the cemetery, rattled with no purpose or way home. Not that I wanted to leave. I wanted to talk to my sister. But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to look at my parents – particularly my mom. My dad would speak to me if she allowed for it but she didn’t, so that was that.
Once again, I felt like I had nothing.
My eyes drowned in such a flood of tears that by the time I reached the foot of the hill, I thought the car parked there was my cab. But my cab had been yellow, not black, and a sedan, not a Rover. My walk slowed to a stop as I realized who sat in the driver’s seat. My tears only streamed harder when he got out the second he saw me. I didn’t let my weak knees crumble till he was right there to catch me.
“Isla,” Abram murmured as I melted to nothing in his arms, crying the way I wouldn’t let myself before. He held me tight for however long I sobbed. He murmured my name again. “Is this where Elle is?”
It took awhile for me to answer but I finally nodded, looking up as he smoothed my hair back. I didn’t wonder until that moment why he was there. “How did you find me?”
“I was getting back just as you left the hotel. You looked…” He trailed off. I knew how I looked – like a mess with swollen eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. “Like you shouldn’t be alone.”
“You didn’t have to come.”
“I tried not to.”
I wasn’t sure how to react to that but he was pulling me into his chest, so I let myself lean on him. “My parents are here,” I finally murmured. “I came all this way and now I can’t even see her.” As Abram wiped my tears, I blinked, realizing he’d come all this way too. We were in Long Island, two hours from the city. I looked up at him. “I’m sorry I took you so far away.”
He brushed my hair back to smile at the lack of stitches on my forehead. “Don’t apologize for the things I choose to do. We might as well get that out now.” When I looked up at him quizzically, he laughed. “Evidently, I can’t actually keep my distance unless we’re separated by state lines. Like I said, I tried not to come. Maybe not hard enough, but that’s not your problem,” he said, touching the faint curve that touched the end of my lips. He let me rest my cheek on his palm, quiet for a bit.
“It would’ve been her thirteenth today,” I broke the silence. “She was looking forward to this one.”
“I’m sorry.” A deep frown creased Abram’s brow. “When did you lose her?”
“Last year near her birthday. She was in a coma for the final week.” I tried to shrug it off in front of him. “Leukemia.” My explanation for how it couldn’t have been helped. We did all we could. It was the line I hung onto when I fell into that dark place.
I could see the true sympathy in his eyes. It lessened the surprise of what he told me next. “I went through the same thing last year.” He paused, his gaze briefly falling. “I know how it feels. Like a part of you is gone forever. Like you might never be whole again.”
I wasn’t sure if my fresh tears were for him or me but I looked up and gave a defeated shrug. “I won’t be whole again,” I said matter-of-factly. “Elle saved me. She made me the person I am and she was bettering me every day till she died. Now it feels like I’m just… incomplete. Like I’m walking around without an arm or a leg but no one can see, so they don’t understand.”
Abram shook his head. “We’ll both be one piece again, Isla. It’s just going to take time,” he assured gently.
Maybe. I paused to look out at the bright grass. I couldn’t see the birds but I could hear them chirping. I stood there listening to them for a moment, letting myself revel in Abram’s touch. “When did your brother pass?” I murmured out of nowhere. I could feel it was a brother. I could feel that they were close.
There was a long silence before I got his dark reply. “He didn’t pass.”
For some reason, the words chilled me to the bone. I wasn’t sure why but I couldn’t wonder because suddenly, I heard voices coming from the end of the road. I looked behind me to see my mother just reaching the top of the hill. She made eye contact with me before I rushed into the car, Abram following and obliging as I urged him through panicked tears to drive away, away.
chapter thirteen
