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I’ve always been good at that, ready to start the day, whether it’s going to training or something else.
But this morning, the morning after Rachel ran out, all I want to do is lie here. I stare up at Rusty’s face, his eyes glinting as though he’s reading my emotions, his head tilted like he’s trying to work out the best way to help his human.
“I’m sorry, boy,” I mutter, sitting up and running my hand through his fur. “I’ll take you out soon.”
He whines and nuzzles his face against my chest, flopping down and looking up at me. I try to smile as I scratch his belly, which is always what he wants when he rolls over like this.
“You’re a big baby, eh?”
The word baby stabs into me, making me think of the life Rachel and I were going to share.
No, are, not were.
I can’t let myself start thinking like that when it’s only been one night. Why the hell didn’t I get her phone number, her address, a way to find her?
I rushed down to the street as quickly as I could last night, but I must’ve taken a wrong turn. I couldn’t find her.
When I returned to my apartment, I was so pissed I snapped at the security guard when he tried to get my attention.
That’s a bad sign. Manners cost nothing, and that man didn’t deserve to be the target of my anger.
I make a mental note to apologize to him, but honestly, it’s difficult to care. Maybe that makes me a jerk. But all I can think about is the way Rachel stormed from the apartment after dropping the virginity bombshell.
I was going to tell her it didn’t matter, which is the closest to the truth I can get.
The truth is, it makes me want her more.
The truth is that the knowledge thundered into me.
She’s a virgin, my virgin, which means nobody is ever going to touch her. Nobody is ever going to be with her, only me.
Forever.
In a way, it’s good she left. On the other hand, I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop myself from revealing the true magnitude of my need, especially with the taste of her sex still fresh on my lips and the feeling of her naked skin lingering on my hands.
It would’ve been good if I’d had a way to contact her afterward, so we could reconnect, so she could hear how much I still want to be with her.
Rusty whines, jumping off the bed and nodding at the door.
That’s one of the best things about having a dog. It’s difficult to mope for long. Rusty needs to be walked, fed, and cared for no matter what else happens.
I shower and get dressed quickly, getting Rusty into his harness and clipping his leash. As we ride the elevator down, he sits at my side, shifting in his spot.
“I’m sorry, boy,” I say, scratching him behind the ear. “I shouldn’t have made you wait so long.”
It’s an hour after I normally take him for his morning walk. Guilt gnaws through me.
I can’t let myself sink into despair, into hopelessness, into not giving a damn about anything or anybody except Rachel.
Her face is so clear in my mind, the way she stared at me from the elevator. Her cheeks were bright red, her neck flushed, her lips trembling like she might burst into tears.
I thought she was going to tell me she had a boyfriend, or she was going to call this whole thing off. I thought she was going to tell me something that would make me want her less, even though that’s not possible.
When she said the word virgin, I almost howled. I should’ve rushed forward before the doors had a chance to close, looped my arms around her, and cradled her close, whispering that nothing could ever make me let her go.
The doors open with a beep, and I lead Rusty across the lobby.
He walks to his favorite light pole and lifts his leg out on the street. I know I must be screwed in the head because I’m jealous of him right now, of how much pleasure he takes in the simple act of relieving himself.
“You don’t have to worry about any of this, boy. You are the lucky one.”
We walk down the street together, Rusty stopping to pee in all his usual spots. He does his business at the entrance to the park. As I pick it up, I think about what the hell I’m going to do.
I’ve already searched her handbag. Maybe that was an asshole thing to do, but I can’t just let her slip away.
I can’t forget a woman like Rachel.
No, not a woman like Rachel. She’s completely unique, and if I don’t find her, I’m never going to feel the same about anybody.
