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And I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with any bodyguard other than him, no matter how safe my everyday life ended up being.
It was another two hours of conversation and drinking before Sam, Fox, and Jack were ready to head out, and we all filed out of the tavern and back into the parking lot. When Roman and I piled into his truck again, for a moment, we sat in silence, just taking a breath.
“You sure you’re okay to drive?” I asked softly. “I know my head is still swimming in that tequila-lime concoction.”
“I only had a few sips, and plenty of water over the last couple of hours,” Roman. “I’m all good. But… are you really okay?”
I stared out the front windshield, looking at the dim traffic light on the street, a steady green light on a quiet, sleepy road. Little moths fluttered under a streetlamp, and for a second, I felt like I was in a dream.
“I’ll be fine,” I said.
“But are you fine? Now?” Roman asked, turning toward me on the seat. When I glanced his way, I could see how concerned he was, and my heart broke just a little more.
“I don’t know, Roman,” I whispered, my voice breaking a little. I cleared my throat. “I mean, yes. I’m an adult. I’ll be fine.”
He shook his head. “I don’t buy it,” he said. “You said you hadn’t been sleeping. I didn’t know that, Theo. Earlier in the week, even when I was around outside? You were up there in the house unable to sleep?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “It’s no big deal.”
“It is to me,” he said. “I want you to be okay. Really okay, not just… free of petrifying fear.”
I swallowed. I was silent for a while, because I had no idea what to say, and felt frozen in place.
What was I supposed to say, anyway?
I just had the most traumatic night of my life, and all I can think about is being in your arms.
Nothing feels the same without you, anymore.
I’m afraid of what my life might be like without you in it, one day.
Like hell I was going to say any of that to a man who’d told me, just about a week ago, that we needed to cool it on anything remotely intimate. We’d slept together, we’d hooked up, and then he’d saved my fucking life. He definitely didn’t owe me anything more than that.
He didn’t want to be my everything. Even though to me, he sort of already was.
“That’s it,” he finally said a minute later, breaking the silence. “I’m sleeping over tonight.”
“No, you don’t have to do that, Roman,” I protested.”I can put on my big-boy pants, for God’s sake.”
“Fuck that.”
“Listen, I know you like being a protector, and making sure everything is fine at all times, but you don’t have to break your own boundaries just because I’m broken,” I said, probably sounding a little angrier than I should have. “You told me you wanted to cool things off. Not do anything like that anymore. And I respect those wishes, Roman.”
“If you don’t feel safe in your own bed, then I haven’t done my job,” he said, shaking his head.
I puffed out a bitter laugh. “That’s a joke. You’ve done so much more than your job requires. Above and beyond, times a million. I’ve asked you to do way too much.”
“Nonsense.”
I looked at him, furrowing my brow. “If you don’t think you’ve done enough then you’re the crazy one, here,” I said. “You make me care about myself. Almost every other guy I’ve ever been with just tried to make me care about them. But you tell me to focus on myself. And it’s almost sad, realizing how much I didn’t do that in the past.”
“I just want you to be able to get a good night’s rest,” he said. “For once. Even just one night of good, restorative sleep. You have no idea how necessary it is, Theo.”
“I can’t.” My throat felt tight, the words suddenly hard to say.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because all I can think about right now is how badly I want to kiss you,” I blurted out. “And I know if you’re in my bed, right next to me, I’ll want it so badly I won’t be able to sleep. I know you don’t want that. I know you want to cool it. And so it would be better off if we just… didn’t. Okay?”
Roman was silent for a moment, watching me like I’d just slapped him in the face. I’d never seen him so lost for words—Roman tended to have an answer for everything, and for once, he seemed stunned.
“You’re wrong,” he whispered, his voice coming out hoarse. “If you think I don’t want to kiss you, you’re so, so wrong.”
“You don’t have to say that,” I said, waving a hand through the air and turning to look out the passenger side window.
