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I let out another huge sigh.
“Never-Never Land, unfortunately.”
She clucks her tongue sympathetically.
“Oh man, I’m sorry girl. Are you still having those sex dreams too?”
I let out another huge exhale.
“Yes, and they’re amazing, but also it’s just weird, right? I mean, do they have something to do with my lack of a real sex life? Am I so desperate that I’m visualizing what I need? Manifesting, is what I think it’s called?”
Kaylee shrugs. “I don’t know, Olls. Didn’t you tell me that it’s hardest to analyze ourselves?”
“That’s a good point,” I sigh, flopping down onto my bed. Then, my friend gets a light in her eyes.
“Well, maybe you should talk about it with your therapist. She might have some insight right? I mean, have you brought up this subject?”
I shake my head.
“No, because usually we discuss my father’s passing and the emotions related to that. But you know what? Maybe I should. Maybe I should shake it up a little and bring this up with Dr. Steinbeck. I mean, she is the one who prescribes my medication.”
Kaylee nods seriously, her brown curls bobbling.
“I think that’s a great idea.” Suddenly, a wail starts in back of her, and my buddy cranes her head to look around. “Oh shit, the baby needs me. Talk later, Olls! Love you.”
Then, before I can even say goodbye, my friend’s gone. But it’s okay because being a mom to two young children is tough, and I know Kaylee cares about me even if her goodbyes are abrupt.
With that, I return to my homework, still not fully convinced I need to bring this up with my doctor. But the more I try to focus on the words before me, the blurrier they become and I realize this is hopeless. I need to get this figured out.
Fortunately, I have an appointment in an hour, so I slam my textbook shut and pour my coffee out before getting all my stuff together. Then I head over to the campus health center, and fortunately, Dr. Steinbeck’s ready for me. The elderly woman has a neat gray bob and bifocals, but she’s as sharp as a tack and knows her stuff.
“Olivia,” Dr. Steinbeck says, opening the door to her office. “Come on in.”
I settle myself down, and Dr. Steinbeck picks up her notebook.
“So Olivia, what has been going on? Tell me about your life.”
I sigh and begin.
“Well, I just wanted to talk about something different today, if you don’t mind. I know we’ve generally focused on my dad’s death, but is it okay to change the topic?”
The older woman nods.
“Of course. Whatever’s on your mind.”
With that, I launch into a narrative describing everything that’s happened in the last few months, from dating Jason to the vivid dreams I’ve been having. I try not to be too raunchy, but I don’t leave out any details either. Finally, I finish and fix the elderly lady with a look.
“So that’s why I’m here, mostly. These dreams have been really good, but they’re so sexual and vivid. It’s pretty unreal, and I have no idea what to make of them. Is it just because I’m falling in love with this new man, or could it be the medication? I don’t know, Doc.”
The older woman thinks for a second. “I don’t believe the medication you’re on is causing the dreams because antidepressants don’t usually act that way. But tell me, how have you been feeling? Are you happy? Sad? Depressed?”
I shake my head.
“I feel a lot happier, to be honest, so I do think the pills are helping. But they make me a little groggy, and again, these dreams are just so insane. I have to think that they’re messing with my body chemistry so that I’m having lucid dreams.”
She fixes me with a look.
“So you know you’re dreaming even while you’re in the dream?”
I shrug.
“Sort of? Yes? No? I guess I can’t say, really.”
Dr. Steinbeck nods.
“Okay, let’s try this then. I’m going to lower your dose to half of what it is now, and then we’ll see how it affects your dreams. Lowering the dosage should also help with the grogginess so that you feel more alert.”
I fix her with a look.
“So it is the medication, or it isn’t?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know, Olivia. I think you’re falling in love with this man, and that your body is ready to be intimate with him. Yet it hasn’t happened yet, and so perhaps your mind is making that space for you since it hasn’t arisen in real life. All of this could be supported by the meds because I doubt the meds would do this on their own. Have you talked to Jason about any of this?”
I shake my head. “It’s too embarrassing! I don’t think my boyfriend wants to be a porn star, even if it’s just in my head.”
