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“Unfucking-believable.
I nod miserably.
“Yeah, right?”
She nods. “So what are you going to do? Turn him in? File a complaint?”
I hiccup while swiping at my damp cheeks.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I could fucking kill Jason. But what good will that do? I’m having his baby, and it would be bad for a child’s mother to murder its father. What a way to start out in the world.”
Janelle nods.
“You’re allowed to feel every emotion you’re feeling right now,” she soothes. “Hell, I would be worried if you weren’t angry and furious.”
A laugh escapes my lips. “At least I’m responding in a healthy way. Yeah, our professors would be proud.”
She nods.
“You’re right. You are responding in a healthy way. You have to feel your feelings, so don’t bottle them up. Cry, scream, punch things. I won’t judge you.”
I sigh and then look listlessly out the window.
“Honestly, I’m drained now. I didn’t sleep last night, so there isn’t much crying, screaming, or punching left in me.” But then at that moment, my stomach growls, and Janelle nods towards my untouched sandwich.
“Take a bite,” she urges. “It’s good for the baby.”
I fix her with a look.
“Yeah, but it’s Jason’s baby. I’ve hardly thought of anything else since he left, and it terrifies me.”
Janelle looks thoughtful.
“Does it terrify you, or does it make you excited? Even a little bit?”
I ponder her question as my friend bites into her own bacon, egg, and cheese.
“I don’t know,” I finally admit, my voice quiet. “Would it be crazy if I’m happy that I’m pregnant? Even knowing this baby is his?”
Immediately, Janelle swallows and shakes her head.
“No, because you care about him.”
“I hate him!” I exclaim immediately.
She nods.
“Yes, but love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. I mean, do you love him? Even after all this, do you still feel something for Jason?”
I bury my head in my hands. “I do, and I know it’s pathetic and crazy, right? I mean, after everything he did, he still holds a place in my heart. But it’s because I can’t just turn off my feelings. I mean, I can’t just do a one eighty from adoring this man to stomping on him with steel-toed boots.”
Janelle nods.
“Well, I’m not sure what to do in this situation, but maybe just give it time? I mean, so much has happened so fast, but maybe the relationship’s not dead in the water yet.”
I look up at her, amazed.
“After what he did?” I gasp. “You can’t be serious.”
Janelle squeezes my arm, her expression thoughtful. “I am serious, and don’t get me wrong – there is no excuse for what Jason did. But if you love the man, and because he’s the father of your child too, maybe it’s worth taking the time to think about it at least. There are no easy answers in this particular situation because I agree. It’s really complicated, and he’s dropped a couple bombs on you all at once. But give yourself some time to mull things over. It won’t hurt.”
Still, I shake my head.
“I don’t know if I can forgive him. What he did was despicable! I mean, hell! I was asleep!”
Janelle nods with understanding.
“I know. It’s all still fresh in your mind, and so everything feels really raw and painful. But just get some sleep, girlfriend, and try to relax a bit. Then, think about what you want when you’re in a better place.”
I shoot her a look.
“Yeah, but what if I did forgive him, and he went back to his old ways? What then?”
She eyes her sandwich thoughtfully.
“Honestly, I don’t know. But there’s no sense in trying to figure out all these what-ifs because at the moment, you just have to deal with right now. There’s no sense in getting tangled up in these counterfactuals, or in these decision trees with branches that twist all over the place. Just try to clear your mind a bit, and then relax. The answer will come to you.”
I shoot her a look.
“You’re sounding very Zen, Janelle.”
My buddy giggles.
“I know, and it’s because I’ve been taking a meditation class. And I mean the real thing, in person, and not just as part of an app.”
I nod.
“Good for you. I think I need to try that too.”
She nods while getting up and throwing me a smile.
“You’re going to be okay, Olly,” she says in a reassuring tone. “I know you will because you’re a fighter. You’ve already done so well in life, what with juggling school with work, and now this. You’ll land on your feet.”
I nod as we walk towards the door.
“I hope so. It just feels so out of control right now.”
My buddy nods and gives me a hug.
“I know, Olly, but trust me. You will be okay. You’ve weathered difficult situations before, and you’ll weather this now. Hang in there.”
