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“Plus, I’ve had three kids and I have stretch marks and a C-section scar.” And my breasts were a little lower than they once had been, but I didn’t need to point out every flaw I had. I wasn’t trying to force him to compliment me, just explain my nervousness.
“I’m not expecting you to be airbrushed. I know you’ve had kids and I don’t care about scars or stretch marks or anything. Seriously.” He reached over and laced his fingers through mine. “Nobody has a perfect body. Doesn’t make you any less sexy.”
I didn’t want my scar in particular to matter. I really didn’t. But I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious because no one had seen it but the father of my kids and even he hadn’t liked it. “This is an ugly scar. What if you see it and don’t want to have sex with me?”
“Then I’m a complete asshole and you should kick me out of the room and lock the door behind me and never ever have sex with me again. Seriously. Who the fuck does that? I have a scar on my knee from surgery. Does that mean you don’t want to have sex with me?” He lifted his knee and I saw the red line under the kneecap.
“Of course not.”
“Then why is this different?”
“Because it’s in this area,” I said, gesturing down low. Even as I spoke, I knew he was right. It wasn’t any different. “It’s going to be in your face. Which is a poor choice of words, but you know what I mean.”
“So if I had a scar on my balls you wouldn’t have sex with me?”
It really sounded ridiculous when he put it like that.
“Because that’s the same thing. It’s in the area.” He gestured to his own junk.
“Of course I wouldn’t care about that.” It made me frustrated, because I knew he was right, and I wanted to be all bold and confident and who gives a fuck but I couldn’t help the way I felt. I gave a fuck, even if it was just a tiny one. Because women were supposed to have kids and still be sexy and fit and perfect and young and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be, instead of what I was supposed to be.
“Just think about what you’re saying then. And ask yourself why you’re letting impossible and stupid beauty standards keep you from fully enjoying yourself.”
“It’s just been a long time,” I said, because that was also true. “But you’re right. I know you’re right. I know it’s stupid to expect that my body would look the same way that it did before I birthed three beautiful children. And fuck beauty standards.” Now I was just getting hot about the whole thing, which was definitely preferable to feeling vulnerable.
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes.” I did trust him.
“Okay, that’s all that matters then. We’ll take it slow, Sera. We’ll get there when you’re ready.” He gave me a reassuring smile.
There was a lump in my throat. “Okay. And I want to have fun, Cash, I really do. I want to let go, but it’s hard. I don’t really know how.”
“Mama’s wound tight,” he said.
That made me laugh. “You have no idea.”
“I’m glad you feel like you can be honest with me.”
“I do. Thanks for this vacation, by the way. I obviously really needed this.”
“Look, you’re already doing great with embracing the vacation vibe and letting go. You had very little hesitation getting off on the plane and none getting fucked against the wall. Imagine what we can accomplish in a week.”
“You’re right. Pounding—check.” I made a motion like a checkmark in the air.
Cash laughed.
I realized I might be wasting an opportunity. I turned toward him and knocked the strap on my sundress down my shoulder so the swell of my breast was exposed. “Oops. My strap slipped.”
“I see that. Come on over here and sit on my lap and I’ll fix it.” His expression had changed from playful to aroused.
His towel had an enticing rise in the middle. That would be fun to climb on.
There was a knock on our door. I dragged my thoughts away from riding him with sheer abandonment in the afternoon sunlight. “I bet that’s our luggage.”
He groaned and started to sit up.
“I can get it.”
“I need to tip the guy and I left my wallet in my other towel.”
“I’ll get the door, you get your wallet.” I squeezed his hand and let it go to stand up. “Thanks for being patient with me all day. I feel like I’m more than you bargained for.”
Cash stood up and affixed his towel back around his waist, covering a very impressive erection. “Hell yeah, you are. In the best way possible.”
My heart melted just a little. Okay, a lot.
It was a good thing Cash was nearly ten years younger than me, or I would be in serious danger of falling head over ass for him.
Cash
There wasnothing surprising about Sera being nervous about us having sex. She’d been honest about that since New Year’s Eve. It had surprised me a little that she was hesitant about being naked because she was such a strong, confident woman. But when I thought about her history, it made sense. Only one dude had seen her naked and she’d married him.
This was a big step for her.
Just because naked felt natural to me didn’t mean it did to her.
