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“Cougar.”
Oh no he didn’t. I shot him a glare. He looked more amused with himself than he had any right to be.
Toni laughed.
Miles said, “Damn.”
Fortunately, it went over the kids’ heads. Ava might have caught on but she didn’t say anything.
It also didn’t escape my notice that Marigold didn’t ask me what my favorite animal was. Normally, I would demand the respect of giving my opinion as well, but I was afraid Ava or Johnny would say something about the pregnancy or the move before I had a chance to tell her. I needed to make sure Marigold found out from me, now.
“Marigold, Mama and Cash have some news to tell you.”
“Are you getting married?”
I hadn’t even considered she would come to that conclusion. “Uh, no, actually. I’m pregnant.”
“What do you mean?” Marigold asked. Her thumb went into her mouth.
The look on her face was not a good sign.
“I mean that Cash and I are having a baby. You’re going to be a big sister.”
Marigold burst into tears and they weren’t happy ones. She was sobbing and screaming, “No, no, nooooo!!” at the top of her lungs. “I’m the baby!”
Cash shot me a look of panic as he held her. What the fuck he mouthed.
It wasn’t like I’d thought Marigold would be thrilled to lose her status as the youngest in the family. But this was more extreme than anticipated. I went to reach for her but she turned her head and buried it in Cash’s shoulder. He rubbed her back and made soothing sounds.
Miles and Toni both looked horrified.
Ava looked disgusted by her sister.
“Marigold,” I said. “Look at Mama.”
She screamed, “No!” Her voice was sharp and stubborn.
“Let me handle this,” Johnny said to me.
I raised my eyebrows. “Handle it how?”
“Marigold, come talk to me,” Johnny said. “I know exactly how you feel because I was the baby until you were born.” He held his arms out for her and to my surprise she went to him.
Johnny carried her into the living room and sat on the couch with her on his lap. I had no idea what he was saying to her but she was quiet and that was good enough for now.
“I have a headache,” I said, rubbing my temples. “That was a lot.”
Ava wandered out of the kitchen down to her bedroom, clearly over the whole situation.
“Come here.” Cash pulled me up against him and he rubbed the back of my neck. “Don’t stress about it. We just caught her off guard. She’ll get used to the idea.”
“She better because she doesn’t have much choice.” That didn’t prevent me from feeling guilty though. I felt sick to my stomach. “I feel terrible. I feel so guilty.”
“I know.”
“Don’t feel guilty,” Toni said. “Did you feel guilty when you found out you were having Marigold?”
“No, of course not, I was thrilled.”
“So when you told Ava and Johnny it was with the expectation they would be excited too, right? I mean, I’m sure you worried about their reaction but you didn’t feel guilty.”
“You’re right.”
“Just because this wasn’t planned doesn’t mean you should feel bad.”
“There’s more to it than that,” I said, tilting my head toward the living room and putting my finger to my lips. I lowered my voice as I stepped away from Cash. “There’s the newness of this, uh, relationship, Cash’s age, the steps being out of order…”
“We could get married if you want,” Cash said, leaning against the counter, boots crossed at the ankles, arms across his chest. Very casual. “If that’s what’s bothering you.”
I was too stunned to say anything. What the hell was that?
“Dude,” Miles said, shaking his head. “That is not exactly the proposal a woman dreams of.”
“I don’t dream of any proposal,” I said. “In reality it’s too late for me to worry about any of this. It’s already done. I’m pregnant and worrying won’t change anything.” I couldn’t even have a glass of wine so I needed to channel Helena and be zen all on my own.
“I’m sorry, that came out all wrong,” Cash said. He pushed off the counter and took a step forward.
“I swear to God if you go down on one knee right now I will lose my shit entirely.” I held my hand out. “Don’t do whatever it is you’re thinking about doing right now because I know you well enough to recognize I’m not going to like it.”
I was saved from whatever insanity was about to occur by Marigold and Johnny returning to the kitchen. Marigold was skipping and while her eyes were red, she was no longer crying. I decided not to say anything to Marigold and to see what she might say first.
What she said was, “Can I have a doughnut?”
“Sure,” I said, opening up the cupboard over the fridge where I keep sweets out of her reach. As I opened the box to pull one out, I looked over at Johnny.
He gave me a confident thumbs-up. That was good enough for me for right now.
I handed Marigold a doughnut then reached out and hugged Johnny. He surprised me by returning the hug instead of trying to escape.
Honestly, I needed the hug.
Just because Toni told me I shouldn’t feel guilty didn’t mean I could shake that off immediately or that I wasn’t going to worry.
My kids were everything to me.
I turned and saw Cash watching me. I couldn’t read his expression.
My breath caught in my throat. It suddenly occurred to me that Cash meant a whole lot more to me than I had ever intended.
That casual pronouncement that we could get married had hurt.
