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People have lied to me my entire life. Mother, father, friends, Jax . . . Lily. It took everything in me to forgive her and had it not been for her circumstances, her past, I never would’ve let those lies go. I can’t let this go. Shannon’s the only person who’s captured my heart in a long time, and this . . . shattered it.
She walks over to me, her eyes cloudy and full of pain. “Dresden, can we talk? Please?”
“There’s nothing to say, Shannon.”
“Baby, please. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. But . . . I didn’t want to be in the middle of it. I love Lily, too, but Blake is my brother.”
“This isn’t about them. This is about us. Do you know how I ended up with this unit?”
Her eyes widen, mouth dropping open slightly. “No.”
I take a ragged breath. “I joined Interpol when I was twenty. My wife at the time, stayed in Hamburg while I traveled for the unit I worked for at the time.”
“I didn’t know you were married before.”
“She was my high school sweetheart, love of my life. For the first five years, I got to go home once a year and be with her. I missed the birth of all three of my children. Then, after a bad mission, I came home early to surprise her and found her in bed with my best friend. To top it all off, he was the father of the children I thought were mine.”
“Dresden, I . . .”
“Don’t. I don’t want or need your sympathy. Lying to me is the one thing I can’t let go. Not after a lifetime of being lied to. I love you. I will always love you, but I can’t do this.”
“Dresden,” Vlad says striding forward as I pick up my bags.
“Rattlesnake, don’t. When this shit is over, I’m putting in for a transfer. I’m done with the HTT. This unit, despite its issues, used to mean something. We used to trust each other.”
I walk out the front door and make for the guest building. My heart aches and the need for Shannon grows as I drop my bags inside the door. Flicking on the light, the room is minimal at best. Queen sized bed, dresser, bathroom, and television. I flop down face first on the mattress and let exhaustion take hold.
This shit is going to suck so fucking bad, it makes killing the Taurus seem like child’s play.
9
~Lily~
It’s been two days and it’s as if nothing has sunk in. I keep repeating the words that bitch said in my head, willing them to go away, for all this to be some nightmare. It’s not, and my heart is shattered worse now than it ever was from the ring. Air doesn’t pass through my lungs right, my chest aches as if someone dug out the center of my being and poured grain alcohol in the wound. Fire and brimstone don’t have shit on this . . . this is true hell.
Thunder shakes the house, calling to the dark pit within me. Without Blake, there’s been no light to fight it off and I’m tired of trying. We never should’ve come back. A whole year spent killing, in hopes of a future with Blake and Shannon, and Dresden and I have nothing to show for it.
The lightning illuminates the living room as I tiptoe through it to my new bedroom. It’s time to let this pain go— the only way I know how. The flogger slips from my duffle bag, the metal hooks jingling slightly as I hold it at my side. Branding myself isn’t enough to overcome the pain radiating through me . . . but this might.
The rain pounds against the overhang as I step onto the porch, covering the thump of the front door closing. The clearing is a black abyss, lit only by the scattered lightning. I hardly feel the moisture as I shuffle down the steps making my way to the training area.
I want to forget everything.
Our reunion at the hospital, our first night here, the day I met him, the first time he made love to me . . . I let the memories take over, driving me further into madness. Physical pain is the only thing that’ll take this away. Stopping in the center of the training area, the flogger is lead in my hand. I drop it next to me and peel my soaked shirt over my head, letting it fall to the ground.
Picking the flogger up, I crack my neck, whipping the suede fronds against the ground, testing their strength. The hooks dig up the dirt like a till through a garden. If this doesn’t overcome the devastation, nothing but death will.
There isn’t much to live for now anyway.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I whip the flogger over my shoulder. The hooks dig into my flesh and I bite my bottom lip, suppressing a scream. My lids open, battling against the rain as I lash myself again. Black spots dance in my vision as the hooks tear the skin just under my bra strap.
I scream, falling to one knee, my heart racing, pushing back the sick visions of Blake tou
ching Maria . . . loving her. Again, the hooks connect, a scream erupts, and the rain washes blood down my back onto my jeans. New darkness creeps in, mixing with the one already consuming me.
Images of Blake and me, him and Maria, and my years in the ring dance through my mind. Without thinking, I push to my feet and bring the flogger to my skin repeatedly, screaming with the thunder shaking the earth each time.
It feels good to scream.
