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Chapter 36
Lizzie
My time with Phin has been short, but it's been an emotional roller coaster second only to my miscarriage. The loss of my baby was the one thing we hadn't discussed, and it was hard to bring up. Whenever I spoke about it, it always made me cry, and I'd done too much crying lately. After Phin came back, I'd put off talking about it enjoying the happiness we were building. We discussed the future, but we hadn’t gotten around to discussing children, which I hoped would be an essential part of our lives. Did he even want kids? I needed to rip the Band-Aid off and share this one last thing with him so we could relax into our life.
He'd been holding on to a lot of hurt from his past, and if we were to have a family and future, we both needed to let go of our history. He doesn't have to see his parents, but he'll need to deal with his feelings for his own heart to heal. Having a discussion will give him some closure so he can walk away with a clear conscience. I'd been afraid he might not want to have kids considering his family situation. There's no doubt in my mind that Phin would be a brilliant dad. From the way he treats me, my parents, and the people at the homeless shelter, I can see the generosity of his big heart. Just imagining him playing with our little girl or boy makes my heart melt.
I'd always wanted to have kids, but after my miscarriage with Greg, I thought that might never happen. Now I was keen to get started with Phin, but given his age, he might not be on the same page. I’d avoided talking about having children because I was always worried about freaking him out. I was still having trouble trusting he wouldn't run, so I'd kept putting it off. He was working hard to rebuild my trust, and I was doing my best to let him. I am not getting any younger and our window to have kids could be an issue. If we stayed together and I found out we didn't want the same things I wouldn't survive him leaving me again.
After I got home, we made love; I knew this would relax us both. He'd made us a yummy roasted chicken dinner that had me on my way to a food coma. I tried to clear my head as we sat curled up on the sofa, perfectly content. Phin picked up the remote, but I stopped him. I turned toward him so I could look him directly in the eyes. I tried to hide any apprehension I had about this topic.
"Phin, I've been thinking about our future together. Now, don't get nervous; just hear me out." My eyes never left his so I could see if there was any change in his expressions while I laid out my ideas. His eyes stared back at me with love, no concern or worry.
"I know that you love what you do right now. I think this is something you want to continue to do, so the first thing we need to do is figure out how much education you will need to do that. I don't want to pressure you, but we might not have loads of time. I want to explain to you the reasons that I’ve been concerned about our age difference." I tried to catch my breath as I vomited up all those details watching Phin’s expression.
He smiled and nodded his head. "Lizzie, you know I don't care about the age difference."
"Yes, I know, but there could be possible fertility issues which would mean it becomes a time issue. I am thirty-one now, if we want some time together and say we want to have children in several years that could put me at close to thirty-five. Women have kids in their late thirties now, but the longer we wait, the more difficult it can be for us.”
“Lizzie, is there another reason other than your age that you might have trouble having a baby?”
I swallowed, trying to find the words to continue my story that I’d not told many people. “I've had a miscarriage before, so maybe there could be something wrong with my plumbing."
"Lizzie, I am so sorry.”
"I don't like to talk about it. My mom and dad are the only people who really know what happened."
"I am glad they were there for you. Did the doctors say you couldn't have kids?"
"No, not at all. I guess I am just concerned because I've heard about older women having a hard time getting pregnant, especially after experiencing a miscarriage. I don't want to have just one kid; I'd like to have two or three. If we wanted a big family, we'd have to start sooner rather than later."
"Wow, you've done the math." His smile grew, and he winked at me.
"Remember, I am a planner." He sat there staring down at his hands.
Needing to fill the silence I said, "Phin, I want you to get your education, to travel, to have sex all day, and all kinds of romantic stuff. You've got so much time to have adventures, but I don't have that kind of time."
When I stopped confessing, I waited for him to say something, and for any indication of what his reaction would be. As the seconds went by, my stomach tightened, worried that I might have overwhelmed him with too much information in one go. After what seemed like forever, he ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his face, then let out a deep breath. I put my hand on my heart, hoping it would help slow it down.
"Lizzie, sweetheart, this is a lot to think about, and I'm glad you brought it up. If I am honest, I want us to have all those things too, especially the sex." He gave me one of his patented grins and comically raised his eyebrows. "I also see us having loads of kids. I do, I can picture them now running around with my hair and your beautiful eyes. I guess I hadn't considered timing and how we're on the clock." He pulled me close and I wrapped my arms around him. "What are you thinking?"
I let out a deep sigh, without looking away. "Well, I was worried I’d not be able to have kids, but I really want to have your babies.”
"Why hadn’t you mentioned your miscarriage before? You know you can trust me?"
"Yes, I know I can, and I've wanted to tell you too, but it usually makes me cry. I know you don't like it when I cry."
"True, I am not a fan of you crying, but it's time to share your story, Lizzie. You can use my shoulder to cry on and my sleeve for your tears. You can trust me." I knew he was right; he’d proven to me it was time to show him. He held me tight as I told him my story.
"I was with Greg for five years, and we met at one of my first charity events. There was something different about him, he was young, smart, and he seemed so confident when we met. I fell for it. We lived together for over two years, and I thought he was the one. One day, I missed a period. I was scared to tell him about the baby because we hadn't been getting on, but I was hoping it might bring us together." The tears were welling up, and I was trying to swallow the rock in my throat. "When I told him, he got so angry. He said some very hateful things to me, and then he left, and that was the last time I saw him. One day I came home from work, and all his stuff was gone."
"What a fucking dick!"
"Yep." I was doing my best not to have a breakdown.
"Do you want to keep going?"
