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My thoughts continued to wander as I followed her between the cars, stepping over tools and small pools of blood. When we found a bathroom, she turned the tap on over the sink, and I shoved my hands under the blast of icy water.
After a beat, Ray said, “Hey, army chick, surely you’ve seen blood before?”
I stood there, staring blankly at my hands while the water rushed around my fingers, making no attempt to get soap or even rub them together, simply letting the water run from red to pink. Still lost in my thought, being dragged back and forth from one conclusion to the next, every one left me lost and not knowing which direction to take.
“Here,” she said, shoved me to the side, and stood in front of the sink before grabbing my hands and washing them under the flowing water.
“I don’t need you to—” But she shushed me, lathering up the soap and working it between my fingers and over my wrists.
“When I’m done here, wanna get a drink?” Ray asked.
Giggling when I stared at her, she simply shrugged and continued washing my hands before turning the tap off and snatching up a paper towel to dry them. Taking it from her, I finished drying myself. I’d already let her get too close.
“How about we go for a drink without you burning this place down?”
Grinning at me, she waved a finger in my face. “You can’t control me that easy. The fire is my favorite part.”
“I would’ve thought the beating up the bad guys was your favorite part?”
“They’re all my favorite parts.” She smirked. “So, how about that drink?”
“Maybe another time.”
“Wanna fuck?”
“You keep suggesting that like it’s going to happen.”
Ray bit her lip and raised her eyebrows at me. “That’s not a no.”
“No, Ray.”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
This wasn’t news to me.
“Are you like this with everyone?” I asked her.
Pausing, she tilted her head. “Nope, only you.”
“Why?”
“I like your stubbornness and your morals and loyalty even though they’re misguided. And there’s something so fun about fucking with you.”
“Thanks,” I pushed the word out through gritted teeth.
She giggled. “You’re welcome.”
“Let’s go.” When I turned to leave, she grabbed my arm and spun me around, frowning now.
“Ilsa, I’m going to burn this place down, okay?”
“No, that’s not okay. Why can’t you just leave it be?”
“I’m doing good things here. Why can’t you see that?”
“You so conveniently forget the man in the bakery.”
“Oh, please, that was one time.” Arching an eyebrow at her, I waited. It can’t have been the only time there were close calls with innocent bystanders.
“Okay, fine,” Ray added. “Maybe like three or four times, but no one has ever died!”
“He almost did.”
“He didn’t, though.”
“Ray—”
“Ilsa, fuck! Make up your mind, will you? Either you want to stop me, or you don’t. Either you want to talk to me, or you don’t. You can’t have it both ways because you and I both know I’m not going to stop simply because you keep showing up and asking me nicely.” Ray grabbed my shoulders and shook me. I should’ve stopped her, but she was right, and I hated it. “What do you want?”
Purpose.
I was jealous of her, of her purpose, of her mission, of her ability to undertake it without fear.
“Let me go.”
She did, and I took a step back. The rage burned within me, starting in my gut and working its way up my chest until my breaths were heaving. I could see the anger in her eyes reflecting mine. I was disrupting her, ruining her game because I wasn’t playing my role in it. But I had no role because I had no end game here. I kept showing up to stop her hoping the answer would present itself to me, but things never got any clearer. Either I’d have to kill this woman, this demon, or leave her be.
“Just fucking stop this shit, Ray!” I yelled. She raised her brows but simply crossed her arms over her chest, dropping a hip and looking at me impatiently. Storming out, I slammed the bathroom door behind me.
But I wasn’t angry at her.
I was angry at myself.
