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“Kyllen?” I recognized his scent, his strength, his presence that filled the room, making the rest of the world fall away. If this couldn’t be a vision, it also wasn’t a dream. “I’m not sleeping.”
“Oh no. You’re fully awake, now.” His hot whisper fanned along the side of my face. “All of you. Your soul, your mind, and your body. You’re living again, Amira.”
Only it wasn’t he, who had awakened my body. Another man did…
“I don’t want to feel this.” I lifted my face to his. “I don’t want this without you.”
“I’m here.” He kissed my face.
There was no veil between us. This was a dream.
And what a beautiful dream it was!
He was naked, like always since the last time I saw him alive. He slid my dress off my shoulders, kissing every inch of my skin he exposed. My body sang under his touch, without restraint.
Freeing my breasts, he kissed them. I hugged him around his neck, burying my hands into his senties.
“Take me, Kyllen. I don’t want it to happen with any other man, but you.”
Heat flashed in his eyes. “There could never be another man.”
Hiking up my skirts, he pressed my back against the wall, lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his middle. Holding me under my backside with one hand, he slid the other one between us, finding the spot where I needed him the most.
“No one would ever stand between us, sweet pea. It’s me and you, no one else.”
Oh, how I wished for this to be true. To be real.
He grinded his hips against me. The press of his fingers was like his words, hard and unyielding. I needed this so badly. I wanted him to erase every trace of that other man touching me.
“More…” I rode his hand, gripping his shoulders.
Desire and longing blended in a bitter-sweet mix of pleasure and pain. I felt him in my heart, in every part of my soul. I needed him in my body, too.
“Take me, Kyllen. I want to be yours like I was meant to be.”
“Mine…” he echoed, pressing his erection against me.
I halted my breath, waiting for his invasion, needing it, craving him to claim me. But he stopped, his determined expression wavering with confusion.
“What is it, Kyllen? Please…” I reached down, finding his erection. It was hard as rock, pulsing in my hand with tremors of need running through his body. Yet when I tried to guide him inside me, I felt nothing—even the sensation of him in my hand disappeared.
I felt his confusion. But I believed I also knew the explanation. There was a point past which Kyllen and I could never go anymore. He existed only in my memories, now. And I had no memories of him ever being inside me. My imagination couldn’t possibly recreate the sensations I hadn’t felt in real life.
Only how could this feel so vivid if it wasn’t real?
All of it was a new kind of torture.
“There is a barrier between us I cannot breach,” he said, with a crestfallen expression. “A place where you can’t meet me.”
The barrier between life and death?
I dropped my feet to the floor, letting my skirts drape down to cover my legs.
“Where are you, Kyllen? Please don’t tell me you’re here because you’re not. This is a dream, an illusion. Magic? I don’t know. But are you out there somewhere? If so, please come back.” I held tight to him. “Come to me. Be with me. Always, not just in my dreams.”
“I can’t,” he exhaled, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’m trying, but…I’m no longer whole.”
This was the first time he’d acknowledged he wasn’t actually present, that this was just a part of him, no matter how solid and real it might feel.
I cupped his face, leaning back to meet his eyes.
“Then take me with you.” My heart beat fast against my ribs. “Where you go, I’ll go, remember? I’ll go to the afterlife with you if that’s where you are.”
Pain crumbled his handsome features.
“There is nothing but darkness and agony here, Amira. I wouldn’t bring you here even if I knew how.” He took my face in his hands, sinking his fingers into my hair. “You deserve so much better.”
I blew out a breath, closing my eyes for a moment.
“You’re the only one in this entire world who thinks I deserve anything at all.”
“Oh, Amira. Please, fight the darkness. Don’t let it take you.” He lowered his mouth to mine. It was a long, poignant kiss, filled with longing. It stole my breath, but it didn’t stop there, consuming all of me.
It tore me apart to break the kiss, but I couldn’t let it go on. It felt as if my very being would dissolve into sadness and cease to exist if I kept holding on to him.
I would become my grief.
“Then go.” I pressed my hands into his chest. “Leave me because…” I took a step sideways along the wall, moving out of his embrace. “I can’t continue living for the tiny shreds of memories of what it used to be. Let me go, Kyllen. Then maybe…maybe you will find some peace, too.”
“Never.” In one fluid movement he was in front of me again. Leaning over me, he propped his hands onto the wall behind me, caging me with his body. “If peace means leaving you behind, then I don’t want it. We’re two parts of a whole, remember? If I leave, it’d tear us both to pieces. You won’t survive.”
“But this is not a life, either. Every time I dream about you, I come back to life. And every time I find myself alone once more, I die inside, over and over again.”
“Do you think this is how I want it to be?” He searched my face with his gaze, his senties undulating agitatedly, reaching for me. “I have no choice, Amira. I keep coming here because without you, I can find no rest. There is nothing but darkness and pain around me. They pull me away from you, and I have to search for you again and again—and every time, I find you. Because you’re all I have. Next to you is where I’m meant to be.”
I released a shuddered breath. Strength deserted me. My back to the wall, I slid to the floor. He sat next to me, and I leaned against him.
“How many times do I have to lose you before I learn to live without you?” I whispered, gripping his hand.
He didn’t give me an answer. Because there simply wasn’t one.
* * *
