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However, that doesn’t matter to me.
I always do things in the same order each and every morning. If I didn’t follow my morning schedule as planned, would I still be able to finish my day’s work on time? The answer is no. I head to my desk, ignoring my crying coworker and that prancing imbecile. I set down my bag just as I always do. I boot up my computer and, as per usual, open the window.
“Whoa! There’s a giant sea anemone outside the window, Kunikida! A banana… It’s eating a banana! And it’s even removing the white stringy bits!”
I pour coffee into my mug just as I always do. Then I dispose of any documents from yesterday’s work that are no longer needed.
“Oh, I’ve got it. I need to take off my clothes. I need to get naked to get higher ratings! It’s simple, really! Let us undress! After that, we can all put on full-body tights, go to the bank, and dance the hopak!”
I check the telegraph rack just like always, then take a sip of my coffee.
“I can hear voices… Ohhh…! They’re in— They’re in my head! …The tiny man is whispering to me to go to Kyoto! That’s where they have the best miso tofu—”
I land a roundhouse kick to the back of Dazai’s head, knocking him against the wall and rendering him unconscious.
It was only four days ago when this failure of a human being became my colleague.
“A new employee?”
That day, I had been filing some paperwork when the president called me into his office.
He told me they had hired a new investigator, so he wanted me to look after him.
It was unexpected. Admittedly, the Armed Detective Agency profits from violence and deals with life-threatening work, but I’ve never heard anything about being short on staff. I’m even able to hold a second job working as an algebra instructor at Shin-Tsuruya Institute twice a week.
Granted, there has been an increase in cases that require armed personnel, such as the “Azure Banner Terrorist,” the “Serial Disappearances of Yokohama Visitors,” and our feud with the underground organization known as the Port Mafia. Honestly, we’ve been getting so many dangerous job offers of late that even our top detective, Ranpo, would have a hard time covering them all on his own. Perhaps the president hired a new employee in anticipation of that.
“Let me introduce you. Come in.”
The president faces the door after a few moments of contemplation and calls out to someone.
“Good afternoon.”
A man smiles from ear to ear as he enters the room.
He’s wearing a sand-colored coat and an open-collared shirt. He’s tall and thin with disheveled black hair, and while his unkempt appearance leaves much to be desired, he has somewhat handsome features. I am slightly curious about the white bandages wrapped around his neck and wrists, though.
“I’m Osamu Dazai, twenty years old. Nice to meet you.”
Twenty, huh? He’s the same age as me.
“I’m Kunikida. If there’s anything you don’t understand, I’m here to help.”
“Oh, so you’re a detective at the legendary Armed Detective Agency! It’s an honor to meet you!”
He forcefully grabs my hand and shakes it in an exaggerated manner.
In that moment, I suddenly sense a cold, piercing light in his eyes, as if he were calmly evaluating his senior—no, as if he were staring into my very soul through the eyes of a heavenly, enlightened sage. However, it is only for a fleeting moment before his vacant expression returns. Was I seeing things? Could my mind have been playing tricks on me? I pull myself together.
“So, Dazai, what brings you to our detective agency? This kind of place won’t take in just anyone who asks.”
“Yes, about that. I was at this pub—bored, unemployed—drunkenly complaining to myself when I happened to hit it off with some old guy sitting next to me. He said he’d give me a job if I beat him in a drinking contest. And, well, I jokingly went along with it but ended up winning.”
Who is this “old guy”?
“It was Chief Taneda of the Special Division for Unusual Powers. He came by yesterday and gave me the news,” the president says with a straight face.
I find myself speechless when I hear him mention Chief Taneda’s name so casually. Chief Taneda is the top brass in the Home Affairs Ministry’s Special Division for Unusual Powers, a secret military agency unknown to the general public. His job is to control and regulate information on skill users. I’ve even heard he provided support to our president in establishing the Armed Detective Agency. That’s why not even the president himself can refuse such a referral.
