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“There’s nothing unique about what I do.” I shook my head. “I just don’t have anything worth saying. I’d only bore you.”
“There you go being all secretive again.” Dazai tilted his head to the side, disgruntled. “Honestly, Odasaku, out of the three o
f us, your job is the most interesting to talk about. So spit it out. What’ve you been up to at work this past week?”
After thinking for a moment, I began answering while counting the jobs on my fingers.
“I investigated a theft at a shopping arcade under the Mafia’s jurisdiction. The culprits were a few local elementary school kids. Then I went to the home of an affiliate group’s lackey to look for a missing pistol, which I found in his rice cooker while I was cleaning up. After that, I mediated a quarrel between the wife and the mistress of one of our shell company executives. Lastly, I disposed of a dud that was found behind the Mafia’s office.”
“Hey, Odasaku, I’m begging you. Please switch jobs with me.” Dazai leaned forward, sparkles in his eyes.
“Not a chance.”
“But you found a dud! Did you hear that, Ango? Why does Odasaku get all the fun jobs? It’s not fair! First thing tomorrow, I’m going to the boss and telling him this executive’s gonna quit ’cause he doesn’t get to handle duds!”
The other executives might’ve keeled over if they’d heard that. Ango apathetically replied, “You do that,” just as he always did.
In a sense, I was part of the Mafia in name only. All the jobs that came my way were the crap jobs no one else wanted to deal with. Simply put, it was because of my lack of achievements and rank, and since I didn’t work directly under any particular executive, it was really easy to push the petty jobs that didn’t make a profit onto me. Basically, I was the Mafia’s errand boy. I didn’t do this just for kicks. That one time when I was caught in the middle of a screaming match between that executive’s wife and lover, I seriously considered biting my tongue off—twice. But the reason I was forced into this position was simply because I couldn’t do anything else.
Because…
“Then at least let me go with you next time. I won’t get in the way.”
“I wouldn’t recommend that.” Ango glanced at Dazai out of the corner of his eye. “Forget searching for criminals or looking for lost goods. Bringing Dazai to solve a lovers’ quarrel is just going to be pouring oil into the fire.”
“Who wouldn’t want to keep a relationship’s fire burning? Sounds wonderful if you ask me.”
“See? What did I tell you?”
I took a silent drink without responding to Ango’s point.
“Dazai, maybe you should get a hobby before you start meddling in other people’s work,” continued Ango. “Something more wholesome than attempting suicide.”
“Hobbies? Hmm…” Dazai pouted boyishly. “Chess and Go are too easy, though. They’re boring. What else is there?”
“What about sports?”
“I hate getting tired out.”
“How about studying, then?”
“Too much work.”
“Then how about cooki—? Wait. Forget it.”
Ango lowered his head and covered his mouth. He must have remembered when Dazai made us that “peppy hot pot.” It gave us plenty of pep, just as the name suggested, but we had no memory of what happened the next few days after we ate it. When we grilled Dazai later about what was in the hot pot, he just giggled.
“Oh yeah, I created a new hot-pot recipe. Would you guys be up to trying it next time we hang out? I call it the ‘superhuman stamina pot.’ You can run for hours without getting tired after eating it. It’s a dream of a—”
“Not in a million years,” Ango sternly declined.
“If it keeps you from getting tired, then it might be pretty useful before a hard day’s work,” I added.
“…Odasaku, that’s exactly the problem right there. You’re enabling Dazai. You don’t speak up, and that’s why he goes off the rails.”
I see. So this was what Ango meant by “enabling” him. You learn something new every day.
“Barkeep, do you have a hammer?”
