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“I can’t believe we’re doing this again,” Wes said softly from the back seat. “Doesn’t it seem like yesterday we were burying Ben and Lauren?”
“In some ways it does,” I said. “In other ways it feels like forever.”
“I miss him,” Drew said as Lars drove. “He would’ve been on fire over that loss last night.”
I met his gaze in the rearview mirror, smiling. “I was thinking that same thing when Wes was talking to the ref about that knee to knee they missed. Ben would’ve had a hard time letting that go.”
“Remember that time he asked a ref if it was his first night on the job?” Wes said. “And then it turned out it was.”
We all laughed at the memory. It was getting easier to laugh and smile when we thought of him. For a while, it had just been painful. I had only been able to think of his two young children, and the knowledge that Ben and Lauren’s son would have no conscious memories of his parents.
“He’d tell us to get our heads out of our asses in Detroit,” Wes said. “I can practically hear him telling me to get out of my own way.”
“He used to tell me that, too,” Drew said.
After about a minute of silence, Wes said, “Nash, Drew told me about what Alvarado did. It was shitty of him, and I appreciate you not saying anything to him at the service.”
I turned and glared at him. “Come on, I’m not that big of an asshole. That wasn’t the time or the place.”
“Agreed, and neither is Detroit.”
I scoffed. “It might be.”
“It’s not. We’ve just barely gotten our shit together as a team again and we’re in the playoffs. This has been a long time coming. The last thing we need is bad press or fighting in the locker room.”
“I’m not acting like it didn’t happen.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to wait.”
“Alvarado’s on the third line,” I said. “You think him playing with a black eye or a cracked jaw is going to matter?”
“Jesus, Nash, are you new here? I think washing my fucking socks is going to mess with my mojo, so I’ve been wearing the same smelly ones I had on during the semis.”
Hockey players were superstitious. I always had pasta on game days, and I practiced the same routines for stretching and taping my game sticks. But this shit with Alvarado was not that.
“You know what messed with my mojo?” I asked Wes. “When Alvarado fucked me over and told Sariah I’m an opportunistic asshole who was trying to game her.”
“Were you?”
“Fuck no,” I said indignantly. “How can you even ask me that?”
“I’m just trying to figure out what prompted you to keep a secret like that from her.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Summarize it,” Wes said.
I turned around to glare at him, sitting in the back seat. “I wanted to see how she felt about me without knowing about the fame and the money.”
“Why, bro?” Drew quipped. “Those are literally your only redeeming qualities.”
I ignored the jab and continued. “After I didn’t tell her the truth on the day I found out I was texting her, every day after that felt like it was too late. Like she’d wonder why I waited so long to confess.”
“I get it,” Wes said. “And Alvarez will get his, I promise you that.”
I sighed heavily. “I don’t want this to spread around the locker room. It’s embarrassing for Sariah. Can we keep it to just the people in this car?”
“Of course,” Wes said. “But I can’t control what Alvarado says.”
Lars shrugged. “By the time Nash and I are through with him, he won’t want to say anything.”
“After the season, okay?” Wes practically begged. “I’m stressed enough already, and I don’t need it leaking that we’ve got a feud going on. Especially now. We need to be united behind Sawyer right now.”
“And later we can unite behind punishing Alvarado?” Lars asked.
“We can,” Wes confirmed.
I wanted to respect his wishes, but I didn’t think I could wait that long.
I met Sariah’s eyes as Sawyer wept, his hand on his wife’s casket. It was time to lower it into the ground, and he couldn’t seem to bring himself to let her go. Sariah wiped at the corners of her eyes, and I did the same.
The feelings surging through me were painful. Did I want to love a woman as much as Sawyer loved Annie? Did I want to risk my whole world crumbling around me because something I had no control over had happened?
The alternative was to play it safe. Stick to casual hookups. Have close friends and have lovers, but never let them be one and the same. I’d been doing that for a while now, and doing pretty damn well at it.
Wes stepped forward and put his hand on Sawyer’s shoulder. Sawyer nodded and let his hand slide off of the casket. Putting an arm around his shoulder, Wes walked him the few steps back to his mom, who wrapped both arms around her son as he silently cried.
