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He pulled a cloth cover off a smaller table, revealing bars of soap, containers of shampoo and conditioner, and a pile of fluffy white bath towels.
Getting clean sounded good, but I’d been taking camping trips my whole life, so I was used to going without showers when I had to. From the longing look on Lauren’s face, though, I could tell she wanted those toiletries, so I was all in.
“The female contestants will be going first,” Josh said.
“Shit,” one of the male contestants muttered.
“If the woman on each team finishes her three items, the man on that team gets to try for three more items. Men, take your seats on the bleachers and let’s get started.”
Lauren gave me a worried look and I squeezed her hand.
“You’ve got this,” I said. “Just close your eyes and down it.”
I watched from the bleachers as Josh gleefully revealed the first item.
“Rocky Mountain oysters,” he said, pulling the cloche off a platter.
“Yay! I love oysters!” one of the female contestants said, grinning.
Oh boy.
“Well, Joy, these aren’t actually oysters,” Josh explained. “They’re called Rocky Mountain oysters, but they’re really the testicles of young bulls.”
Joy’s mouth dropped open in shock. “I’m not eating testicles!”
I was afraid Lauren would be barfing into a bush when I looked at her, but her expression was neutral. As Joy became increasingly hysterical, Lauren never wavered.
“I’m done,” Joy said with a sob, burying her face in her hands. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Fuck,” her partner Shawn Fort said, getting up to follow her as she set off at a fast clip down the shore.
“Okay, we’re going to proceed with the remaining contestants,” Josh said. “Ladies, you’ll have a total of two minutes to completely consume your portion of Rocky Mountain oysters and show me your empty mouth. As long as you swallow it all, you still get credit if it comes back up.”
I put my head in my hands. Why were they making the women go first? This would be a lot harder for Lauren than me. I wanted to go do it for her, but I had to wait helplessly on the bleachers.
Josh told the women when they could go, and Lauren immediately put her portion in her mouth, closed her eyes, and started chewing. She made quick work of it, showing Josh her mouth and them immediately grabbing the glass of water in front of her on the table and drinking from it.
“Nice, Lo!” I called.
Of the nine women at the long table, only four finished. When Josh removed the cloche covering the next dish, Lauren pursed her lips and Shayla cried out, “What the fuck?”
“Live ants,” Josh said, looking perversely pleased with this challenge. “Each container has one tablespoon. You have two minutes, ladies.”
Lauren whipped the lid off her container and dumped it into her mouth, grimacing as she chewed. Jesus. Live ants. That had to be disgusting, especially while hungover. But she ate them like a fucking champ, and I swelled with pride.
Like I said—strongest woman I’d ever known.
She was the second of three contestants who finished the ants within the two-minute time constraint, and then Josh announced the third and final challenge for the women.
“We saved the best for last,” he said, lifting the lid. “A fried tarantula.”
Lauren’s gaze found mine, and I saw panic in her eyes. I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out to her.
“Hey, you don’t have to do it. I don’t care if we win, and you already did enough that we won’t be eliminated. I’ll eat all of mine.”
From her resigned expression, I knew she was going to try to do it. Stubborn-ass woman.
Josh lifted the cloche, and Lauren scooped up the tarantula and bit into it, cringing as she chewed. My stomach churned in solidarity, because fuck…she was eating a tarantula.
“You’ve got this, Lo!” I yelled. “You’re almost done!”
She gagged, the part of the spider she’d already swallowed threatening to come back up as she tried to eat more. Squeezing her eyes closed, she chewed faster.
Next to her, Shayla turned around and vomited. There was only one other contestant, a woman named Irina, who was in contention to eat all three disgusting delicacies.
Lauren swallowed and opened her mouth. As soon as Josh told her she’d met the challenge, she picked up her canteen and gulped a bunch of water before walking over to some bushes to puke.
Fucking rock star.
She returned to the bleachers and I hugged her. “I’m so damn proud of you, Lo.”
Her smile was weak. “That was the grossest thing I’ve ever done. Let’s win this.”
“Piece of cake. I’ve got a cast-iron stomach.”
As the male contestants rounded the table for their turn at this competition, Josh lifted yet another cloche and revealed the first thing we had to eat—ten, very alive and still wiggling, earthworms. The other guys groaned, but I steeled myself. Lauren had done her part, and I’d do mine.
The worms were slimy. I dug deep, chewing quickly to get it over with as fast as I could, but it was when I swallowed that I ran into trouble. I gagged, grabbing my glass of water and chugging it in an effort to keep the worms down.
“You can do it, Archer!” Lauren cheered from the bleachers.
“Alright, gentlemen,” Josh said. “The next delicacy is…” He removed the cloche on the next plate with a dramatic flourish, as if he really was presenting us with some sort of delicacy. “Pig intestines.”
My stomach revolted at the sight of them, and then I got a whiff of what smelled like a rotting carcass and I gagged.
“Sack up, Archer!” Lauren cried. “Just get it over with as quick as you can!”
She was right. When Josh called for us to start, I shoved as much as I could into my mouth. I closed my eyes, trying to get myself into a mental zone. My grandpa could have done this. He’d told me many times that mind over matter was the way to get through anything.
I chewed and chewed, but when I swallowed, my body rejected what I was putting into it. I bent over and puked, heaving several times until everything in my stomach was gone.
Fuck. I’d failed Lauren. Shaking my head, I looked over and met her eyes.
“It’s okay!” she said. “You got one thing down. We won’t be eliminated. There’s no point in eating the last thing.”
I was disappointed in myself that we couldn’t win, but I wouldn’t quit.
Josh made to ceremoniously unveil the last dish. “Our final delicacy of the day…is warthog anus.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I muttered.
“Fuck this shit,” Rod said from next to me.
Neil put his hands up and walked away. He and Shayla were safe from elimination, but couldn’t win. The win would either go to Rod and Andrea or Maksim and Irina, but I was finishing this competition.
“I don’t know if I can do it,” Rod said under his breath.
“Come on, bro,” I elbowed him. “You’ve eaten ass before.”
“Not warthog ass. Though there was a chick when I was a rookie that may have been part warthog.”
Josh called the start time, and we both grabbed what was on the plate in front of us and bit off a piece. Maksim, a fucking crazy Russian, shoved nearly the entire thing in his mouth at once.
It was chewier than I’d expected. As soon as I thought I could get the first bite down, I swallowed, but it was a definitive no for my gut.
I made it to the bushes before I puked, Rod right behind me.
“Fuck that,” I said, still bent over and waiting for the next wave of nausea to pass.
For all my worries about Lauren not being up to a competition today, her determination had saved both our asses.
