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CHAPTERTWELVE
Thankfully, I do get a sort of moment that night after quite the eventful day. Once the pool moment was over, I asked if we could quickly wrap up the photoshoot as I was tired and frankly quite upset after the hope of that moment with Eli was lost even more quickly than it began. It seemed to take forever for everyone to leave, but once they did, I stripped myself of all my makeup, had a beautiful, warm shower, and switched off my phone. Now I find myself sitting on the couch, reading an article in a magazine about people trying to find love again in lost marriage. A lot of advice is given, mainly saying that to rekindle your relationship, you have to relive the past. What was it that drew you together in the first place? What was it that kept that flame burning bright until the moment it started to run out of wax and inevitably dwindle into this dim pulsing light? The kind of light that is threatening to wane, but still flickers every now and then to tell you that it wants to burn. That flame wants to come back to life again, because by God, there was something there before. It burned brighter than the sun, a light so strong it could cause a power surge to knock out a whole city. Now, it seems Eli and I are the dwindling flame.
I need to find our power surge.
“What are you doing?”
My mouth pops open, my eyes escaping the intriguing article and landing on the most breathtaking sight for the second time today.
Eli.
Standing in just a pair of sports shorts, his tanned, defined body on display. My insides come to life. There’s no way my flame has dwindled. Mine is burning hotter than ever. His shoulders are broad, his physique statuesque, no doubt from the endless workouts he must have to endure to keep himself in shape for all his movies.
However, it’s not his impressive figure that keeps my eyes glued to him. It’s the way he studies me, with eyes so bright they could burn the sun. Eyes that ask questions I can only long to give him answers to. I wishI could answer you, Eli. I really do. My mind races for the knowledge that would yield those answers.
I swallow hard, my mouth dry. “I…” Why is it so hard to answer him? His stature is empowering, but his eyes look… lost. A loss that came through hurt. A hurt only a bitch of a wife like me could inflict.
“I was just reading a magazine.”
His head turns sharply away, his frown deep like he doesn’t like the answer. “No, not that.” He points to me. “You were chewing on your top button.”
I glance down to the top I put on earlier, the buttons I did up right to the top to keep me warm. The top button in my hand, but I don’t remember it being there. The top button is loose now. That’s strange. It wasn’t before.
“I don’t understand,” I reply, genuinely confused.
He circles around the couch, sitting next to me, but still keeping his distance. He points to my top again. “When I came in you were reading that magazine, yes, but you were also chewing on your top button.”
His expression is part confusion, part… annoyance?
It’s then something hits me. The realization of my actions sinks deep within my mind somewhere. A place that wants me to acknowledge something important, but I don’t know what. My eyes scan the room like it will give me answers I’m looking for, but my mind comes up blank.
“Buttons!”
“Buttons!”
“Buttons!”
A voice shouts it so loud, I almost want to cover my ears.
“I was?” I answer, because it’s the only thing I am able to say. I’m lost for words, a sense of something monumental coming over me, but also a sense of this crashing wave threatening to engulf me if I do.
I’m so tired.
Really tired.
Everything inside of me aches. My head, my limbs, my bones, my body… my heart. I just want it all to stop.
“Yes, you never normally chew anything, let alone a button.”
His questioning makes my mind race again. It wants me to acknowledge something, but again, I don’t know what.
“Buttons!”
“Buttons!”
“Buttons!”
The voice in my head screams it again.
