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17
Caiti
The creamy concoctionbubbles around the spoon I’m stirring, wafting the smell of garlic into the air. My mind runs absently while Ophelia plays happily in the background. I throw a sincere smile over my shoulder at her babbling lyrics. I can’t deny the positive changes in her even if I wanted to. She’s flourished in ways I didn’t even know possible since we arrived in Arrow Creek, and it’s clearer by the day how cruel it’d be to force her away.
I’ve worked hard to provide for her, to make sure she’s always felt whole and loved with a single parent. If circumstances required, I’d continue to do so for the rest of my life, no questions asked.
But that was before she knew Dane and started to love him.
And I know he’s fallen in love with her too. Every interaction is laced with the heart and protectiveness of a papa bear. There’s no doubt the two will continue to nurture a close relationship well into the coming years.
The questions that linger are mine to solve. My relationship with Dane appears to hinge on my feelings, and I haven’t decided how to unravel them yet. I set the spoon on a paper towel and clutch the vial around my neck. If this were a chess game, the next move would be mine to make.
My phone vibrates on the counter beside the stove. I wipe my hands on a towel and unlock the screen. A knot lodges in my throat at the text from a random number.
I should stop opening the messages, but I continue to save each one in my pile of evidence.
Unknown: Your lights have been off for far too long. When are you coming home, sweetie?
Okay.Calm yourself. Being hundreds of miles away from home feels like a blessing at this moment. The problem is I can’t tell if this is an escalation or if he’s simply never told me he’s been by my house before. The thought of him watching my house at night while I sleep sends a sinister shiver down my spine. My palms sweat as I add the screenshot to the folder with nearly fifty others, purposeful not to swipe and read the tens of other messages.
The sizzle of water pulls me back from the edge of fear. The pasta water boils over.
“Shit!”
An electrical current races through my nerves, denoting a heightening stress response. I need a second to calm myself. I need—
“Smells good in here,” Dane says right beside my ear.
My body reacts without thought. As fear punches my gut, I whirl, cock back, and throw my fist straight at his face.
“Oh, my God!” I shriek when I realize what I’ve done.
He grips my wrist in a powerful grasp, holding it as if he’s not sure I’ll strike him again. I watch in horror as a trickle of blood runs down his chin from a split in his lip. His tongue skates over the tear in an automatic flick while his heated stare meets mine.
Still acting on impulse, I throw my other hand around his neck, yanking his mouth to mine. The metallic taste explodes on my tongue, and I lap it up. A rush of adrenaline provokes me. “I’m so sorry,” I pull away to mumble against his sinful mouth before diving back in.
Oh, my God, I hurt him, my thoughts scream.
He releases my hand, and both of his cradle the sides of my head. He takes control and walks me back until I bump into the counter behind me. I’m lost to the dizzying taste of him mixed with the tang of the wound I caused.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter again. A salty tear finds its way to my tongue. With a final swirl in my mouth, he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.
“What’s got you spooked, Mama?”
Another tear splashes against my cheek. I need to get away and clear my head before I break in front of Ophelia. Or Dane.
I dash the glistening drop with the back of my hand and push away. Spinning, I twist off the burners as a distraction. “Dinner’s ready if you two want to eat. I need to leave for a bit.”
“Hey.” He snags my bicep in a firm grip. “You can talk to me, yeah?”
I shrug, my brittle smile splintering into a frown. “I’m not ready to talk about this.” Pocketing my phone, I pull from his grasp. He lets me go, but not before I catch a look of ill-disguised disapproval.
“I’m sorry about your lip.” The exterior door creaks shut behind me.
For thirty minutes, I circle the town. Up one street and down another. I drive until the anxiety leaks from my fingertips, and I become bored. Until the thoughts of what just happened still. As soon as the regret for hitting Dane fades, a new trail of thoughts starts an endless loop. Desperate to quiet the unending noise, I point my car on the road out of town.
Three years ago, Evie brought Eric and me on a hike in Arrow Creek. We took a winding, elevated trail through the trees until we reached a high ledge above a raging river. The day was filled with Eric’s grumbling as he tried to convince Evie to move in with us rather than stay here so far away. It was the last day the three of us spent together.
I know in my heart it’s the right place to go to feel close to him, so even though my palms sweat, my heart pounds, and my ears buzz through the silent car, I push on. The fear surrounds me like a well-worn shawl, and I embrace it for the first time in weeks. I allow it to accompany me on this journey because I know this is what I need to do.
The moment I find the trailhead, a dam breaks. The memories race forward like leaves on a rapid stream. One after another, they flit past, giving only a glimpse of the life I once had before floating away. I tie my hair back, lock my car, and start the trek. It’s already evening, and I only have a few hours before dark settles in.
