AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I’ll do my best, honey.”
“That’s all I can ask.” I take a deep breath before I continue, “Mom, have you ever woken up with this overwhelming sense of what the hell am I doing?”
“I mean, it depends on the situation, but I’m sure I have. I’m sure we all have.”
“That’s what happened to me two days ago. I woke up and things started to feel wrong. I thought maybe it was residual from a nightmare or something I didn’t remember. But then, I got in the shower and it wasn’t that. It was bigger than that. I realized I’d fallen out of love with Vince. Now, before you say anything about what I just said, do you remember my boss, Aaron?”
“Yes. I do. Tall, dark, handsome, and the one who is also engaged?”
My mother layers her remembrance with a tone I don’t like. “Why are you saying it like that? This is not about Aaron. It’s about me.”
“I’m sorry. Go on.”
“Aaron and I would talk sometimes about the wedding planning and how things were going for the both of us. I joked about him being so involved because it seemed Vince could have cared less, unless it was about the honeymoon. Aaron said something to me about a week ago that I didn’t realize I was obsessing over.
“He said to me, he’d been reading a lot about relationships as a part of continuing education for work and came across something he was putting into practice with Noelle. Husbands should serve their wives, for in doing so, they serve themselves.”
“That seems rather deep and biblical. Doesn’t it?”
“I mean, it can, but I found something simpler. Vince would always bitch I wasn’t prioritizing him enough. I didn’t get it. We were always together, but it was about what he wanted, it became about what he wanted to talk about, not what could be going on with me. I know he resented my promotions and my success in part, even without him saying it.”
“Honey, are you sure that’s true?”
“I am, especially when I think of the cycle that thinking created. He talked more and more about the team and his possible offers to Division I or the NFL, and so in turn, because I wasn’t asked about me or what was important to me, I started shutting off. I made it about him, which made me resent him for not caring or noticing. It only got worse and worse until I took nothing to him anymore. How could we build a relationship on that, let alone a marriage?”
There was a long silence on the phone. It was as if I could hear the wheels in her mind spinning. “Mom? Are you still there?” That’s when I could hear the subtle sniffs from the other end. “Are you crying?”
“Sometimes I forget how wise you are, how wise you’ve always been. What can I do to support you? You know Dad and I will do anything we can.”
I sit and I think about it for a minute. “Just you asking means you understand. I just need you to love me, that’s it. I’m going to be fine. I just need to go back to the start and figure out who Ava is and remember all the things that are important to me. I need to not settle for less than what I deserve. I need someone to love me for who I am, who I want to grow to be. Anything less than that is settling.”
“What are you going to do now?” she asks.
“Well, Sylvia has talked me into a reset. She booked us a mini vacation. I don’t know where we’re going. We leave the day after tomorrow for parts unknown.” I laugh a little.
“I know you’re grown, but when you know, will you tell me and answer if I call to check on you?”
“Yes, Mom, I will. I don’t want you to worry.”
“Have a good time. Try and do something you don’t often do, relax.”
I was able to get all of my work in an okay place to be off grid for a few days before Sylvia comes bounding into my room, backpack on, rolling suitcase by her side, ready to go.
“The bus is leaving. Are you ready to roll?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Tell me you’re not bringing your laptop with you.”
“I have to in case there is an emergency. I promise I will stay off it as much as possible.”
“Okay, if you haven’t done it, I want you to put in one of your summer dresses that makes you feel prettiest and at least two of your smuttiest novels.”
“Will you tell me where we’re going now? I’ve been good and haven’t bombarded you with questions.”
“Yes, you have been such a good girl.” She giggles. “Okay, you know Daria at my office? The one that sits next door to me?”
“Yeah.” I nod.
