AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I love Nico. I always will, I think. I’m in love with you. That’s a big difference to me.”
“Love is not lies.”
“I’m sorry, Ava. I don’t know what else I can say. I’ve tried to talk to you about it. You don’t want to hear me.”
“I can’t. It’s done. You took away my choices.”
He nods his head slowly. “You’re right. I did.” He rises slowly toward the door. He gets just outside the frame and stops. “You said you only have one regret. I have two. That my actions caused our end, and that there weren’t two lines on that test. Ti amo, Ava.”
With that, he walks away. I hear the front door to my apartment gently close then nothing but the deafening silence around me. I reach forward to brace myself on my dresser. The sobs come swiftly from deep in my chest. My body pitches forward until I finally sink to my knees. I vaguely hear the door open and close again before two arms are wrapping me tight. Austin is back. He doesn’t say anything but simply holds me instead.
Rafael
I sit in the park across from Ava’s apartment building for over an hour. I watch her brother and Sylvia both return to her aid inside. I can’t explain the ache I feel inside me. Being without what I consider the other half of me is bad enough. Now, there is a grief that has no words. You cannot lose what you never had, but I did. I have.
She would have gotten pregnant our last night together.
Our last night together.
A string of four words sitting here I’ve begun to accept.
Once the light dims in her room, the last of mine feels to have gone out. I walk and walk around this park. I’m certain I’ve passed the same leaf on the ground a dozen times. The phrase I don’t want to go home, but I can’t stay here echoes in every corner of my head. I want to dull it, lose myself.
My second to last task for the evening is a rideshare. I put in for my destination. It takes three drivers saying no until I find the one that will say yes. The ride will be long, which is fine. I don’t have anywhere to be, not anymore.
Nico keeps texting me asking where I am. To appease her, I send one word responses.
No.
Out.
Later.
Finally, I simply turn all my notifications off. I don’t want to be found. I’m going to the one place I can get to that I can still consider ours. My elbow takes up residence on the armrest of the doorframe while I stare into the void of a darkening sky. We drive and drive.
My chauffeur for the night has music on low in the front. I can barely register what it is. Every so often I will hear the subtle pull of violin strings or a horn of some kind. It’s disjointed and sad, like me. My mind begins to play tricks the closer I get to our destination.
We pass the last stoplight into town and I look to my left as we pass the fire station. I think I see Ava in her long flowing dress walking down the street. It gives me a fleeting moment of peace, then it’s taken away when the bark of a dog gets the woman’s head to turn. It’s not her.
I ask the driver to stop short of our original destination. I want to walk. After I thank him, and tip with all the cash I have on me, I wait on the sidewalk as the car’s taillights disappear in the distance.
This town held a warmth for me from the first time I came into the community. Everyone welcomed me with open arms for the weeks I was here. It was even more so when I ran into Ava. I shared this town with her in a way no one else could understand. She’s everywhere I look. That comforts me in some ways and drives the knife in others. I know this is all my fault. I know it. It doesn’t make it any easier.
Walking down the lit paths makes me think of her all the more. Her laughter is nearby. If I close my eyes, I can feel her hand slip into mine. It did earlier. Touching her again, even like that, was like coming out of the desert for water. Nothing was calm or centered in the space between.
I avoid the part of the street the coffee shop is on, even knowing it’s closed. The ghosts of what might have been, what should be, are overwhelming. I wander through the open door of the bar where we had what I consider our first date. There are as few people here tonight as there were then.
Two-for-ones are the special of the night. The first thing that’s gone right.
I had every intention of talking everything through with Ava. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. What words could there possibly be now that would allow me to be without her?
I order two of my Bella’s drinks and a healthy double shot of whisky to take to our table. The booth seems too large for just me. If I cared about anything other than what was at the bottom of the glasses, I would have found a smaller table. My body pushes to the center of the bench while I stare at the liquid buffet in front of me. In what order can the numbing begin?
The shot is quick and nearly painless. It burns its way down next to the emotion that is bubbling near the surface. While I stare down into the emptiness, I rub my thumb into the palm of my other hand. It’s been a steady part of my meditation practice. It allows me to try and bring the mental and physical together into one certain point.
It’s not working.
The harder I rub, the more pain I feel. I need the alcohol to hit faster. I want to get to the point where mental and physical life no longer exist. I want to be a shell. My head bows until it touches my forearms. To anyone that would walk by, I might look like I’m giving thanks. If they only knew.
