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No.
The problem was I did care.
I cared too much and it was starting to overwhelm me.
“Well, we’re nothing,” I said smoothly, burying all emotion where it belonged. “Seriously, Barlow, you worry about everything.”
“We’re nothing?” she repeated.
I shrugged, keeping up the façade. “We’re nothing more than what we are.”
“What?”
“I’m not seeing the problem here. We’re nothing and Carter’s your John Cusack.”
She blinked. “But how do I know?”
“That he’s your John Cusack? Haven’t you been telling me for weeks?”
“No. What we’re doing! Is it just a date? Is it dating? How am I supposed to know? Everyone else seems to know, but I don’t know!”
She was spiralling and that pulled me out of my darkest parts enough to ease up on her. A little. “Well, do you know what we are?”
“You just told me we were nothing.”
I deserved that. “When I’m not being a dick, do you know what we are?”
She nodded. “Of course, I do.”
“How?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just do.”
“Exactly. You have no trouble knowing what we are. Look at it this way, you look at Carter and you apply the same logic. Right?”
She blinked. “How? I’m trying. But I just don’t see it.”
I flicked my cigarette away, feeling more annoyed than I knew I had a right to be. I had a feeling I knew where my prodding was going, and I wasn’t fucking going there. I wasn’t going to suggest that she didn’t know what she and Mason were because what they were wasn’t right. I wasn’t going to suggest that she couldn’t apply the same logic because it was her and me that were supposed to be together. I wasn’t about to suggest that she knew what we were because what we were was perfect. I couldn’t let myself think it. No matter how much I wanted to.
Not only did she have to make her own decisions – and I was going to accept them – but I couldn’t be what she needed, what she deserved. No matter how right we felt, no matter how wrong it felt for her to be going on a date with Mason, it had to be that way.
The space where my heart had previous lived hardened. It had to. There was no other way either of us would survive this.
“Well seems to me, Barlow, that’s not my problem. You let me know if you work it out, huh?”
She got some of her spine back. “You can be in a shit all you want, but you don’t need to take it out on me.”
I shrugged. “I’m not taking anything out on you, Barlow. Now, you need a ride this afternoon or not?”
She glared at me, and I was glad she hated me. “You know what, Lombardi? Don’t worry about it.”
“Your precious Carter going to drive you home?” I asked.
“No.”
“What? You walking?” I scoffed.
“Anything is preferable right now to being stuck with you being a dick,” she snapped.
That threatened to crack my mask. “Fine. Have a nice life.”
“Thanks, I will.” She huffed, turned on her heel and stormed back into the school building.
Right on cue, Rocco’s voice was in my head telling me how good I was at fucking everything up. I’d been so convinced I’d do right by her. Then I’d gone and grown emotions and now I was stuck in that place when I knew what good was, but I’d never have it again.
And I’d been right.
It fucking sucked.
