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There were a lot of things running through my head. Things I had no right thinking. Things I could never act on. Things that had the power to keep me warm at night, but their absence would be the cold shower I needed to behave. Or so I told myself.
A part of me wondered why I had to behave. Looking at her, being swept up in the moment, I couldn’t see why in the hell I shouldn’t… Take her hand. Even kiss her cheek. Do something and see if this spark was all in my head. Maybe she’d turn me down and it would be easier to behave? Maybe she wouldn’t and I’d be able to put her behind me?
“Night, Piper,” I finally said.
“Night, Roman.”
We stood there for a moment as I fought the urge to kiss her goodnight. Finally, she went inside and pulled the curtain closed behind her.
I took a deep breath and launched myself off her back verandah into the cool dark of the night.
What was I thinking? I couldn’t touch her. I’d ruin her. She’d be pulled into my bullshit and it would break everything that made her the amazing woman she was. The way I was broken. She wasn’t exactly whole, she’d said as much and I saw the sadness in her eyes when it was just us. I lived for the moments she let me see it, let me know her. I was under no delusion that she didn’t know what it was like to feel broken. But I couldn’t handle her breaking twice. She still had hope.
So why couldn’t I stay away?
Because I was addicted.
Addiction.
It was something I knew well.
It had me standing under the tree in her backyard inhaling a cigarette like it contained the air I needed to breathe as I looked up at her window with the feeling thatshewas the air I needed to breathe. It was fucking ridiculous. Both the feeling and the fact I felt it. People weren’t air. Piper wasn’t air. Piper was…
Fuck.
Piper was standing at her window half naked.
My hand rose – along with my dick – with a mind of its own and she waved back. There was a slight pause before she closed her curtains, but it was seared into my head; Piper Barlow in nothing but a black bra, her hair wet around he shoulders. I needed three more smokes before my legs had the strength to take my weight.
I was there for too long after she turned her light out, but finally I dragged myself inside my own house. I went straight to my room, hoping I wasn’t leaving too much water on the floor behind me.
It wasn’t until I was in my room with the door firmly closed that I realised I was fucking chilled to the bone. Smoking always had a way of warming me, but I had a sneaking suspicion that wasn’t what had kept me warm as I stood under that tree.
After I stripped off and left my wet things in the laundry, I dropped onto my bed and tried hard not to think about Piper. I lay there for what felt like hours. But nothing. And by nothing, I did mean no sleep. Because my mind was full and it was busy.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
My dick was hard, and it refused to give me any respite.
So, I thought, why not?
It wouldn’t be the first time.
I didn’t need my phone. I didn’t need my headphones. I had all the ammunition I needed right there in my head.
Her laugh. Her smile. The way she just unconsciously touched me. And once she’d touched me, she didn’t pull away like I’d infect her or slide her hand down my pants because that’s all I’d offer. The way her hand fit, warm and snug, in mine. Her body up against mine. Her in my arms.
Piper Barlow in a winter jacket and jeans was enough to have me straining in mine. Seeing her in just her bra had just been icing.
With my hand around my shaft, I thought of her and didn’t feel guilty about it.
We’d agreed no apologies.
I wouldn’t apologise for wanting her.
She was light. She was warmth. She was hope.
As I stroked myself and pictured her, I let myself pretend I could have her. I let myself pretend it was her around my dick. All our imperfections joining together like they filled the gaps and could make the world the way it should be.
But nothing could make the world the way it should be. Piper would never be mine. It didn’t stop me moaning her name as I came and wishing for a different future.
