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As people arrived and we mingled in the kitchen and overflowed to the back deck that led to the old dock, string lights giving off a cozy glow around the outdoor heater, I busied myself making sure everyone was happy and had a drink in their hand. The weather was crisp but unusually dry, so it felt amazing to be outside. I avoided long eye contact or any contact, really, longer than pleasantries. I didn’t stick around anyone long enough to get the sympathy head tilt and arm touch and ‘how are you doing?’ I couldn’t bear it. The only thing keeping me sane was making the evening about Matthew.
And when he slipped in the back way, looking very quizzical and wary at the sudden house full of people, setting the keys on the counter slowly like he might need to hang on to them, it was worth it. Even though he blew our big yell we had planned and we had to improvise. He looked content and happy and grateful. More relaxed than I’d ever seen him... not that I had a real baseline to go from. But still. He was family now, and the look on his face said that he felt it.
Andromeda and CJ arrived, and I gravitated toward her.
“Y’all come together?” I asked when she pulled a four-pack of wine coolers from a plastic bag.
“Hell to the no, girl,” she said, giving me a smirk. “He keeps trying, and not that he’s harsh to look at or anything, but no. I’d rather stick with the other team than deal with that attitude of his.”
I laughed. “I hear you.”
“And the Jolly Rancher obsession is on my last nerve,” she added, sliding the coolers into the fridge. “I don’t know how he’s not in sugar shock by now.”
I glanced over my shoulder at him, just in time to see him hit on Hope, an already inebriated sneer on his face. I chuckled. “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“Hey, you doing okay?” she asked.
Damn it, I’d missed my window.
“I’m—I’m getting by,” I said. Andromeda was a small exception, after our true confessions moment in the ladies’ room of Rudy’s. “The earth hasn’t swallowed me whole yet, so I guess I just keep breathing, right?”
She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “We’re all knocked on our asses by this, but you keep your head up, you hear?”
I nodded. “I will.”
“We got you.”
My eyes burned as I kept nodding, and I shot my gaze to the ceiling.
“Oh no, sister, we can’t have that,” she said, fanning my eyes with one long-nailed hand.
Laughter bubbled up my throat, and she shared it as I dabbed at my eyes and enjoyed a rare sister solidarity moment with an unexpected friend.
Another hour went by, my skin feeling tighter by the second, and Grace gave me the eye from her spot on an outdoor couch by the heater.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, forcing a neutral expression. “And where’s Mateo?” I couldn’t help myself.
She blew out a sigh. “Keeps saying he’s coming, waiting on a babysitter. But we need to do the cake before people get too drunk to enjoy it.”
“There’s no such thing,” I said.
“Okay, then take pity on the sober pregnant lady,” she said. “I want cake.”
I squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll hook you up.” I’d just made it a few feet when the sound of heavy footsteps on the wooden walkway turned my head.
Mateo’s face was the first in view, the orange tint of the lights giving him an odd glow. He gave me an apologetic look as he passed me on the way to his wife, leaving me to gaze upon who followed.
Adam stopped a few feet away, hands in the pockets of his jeans, chin lifted as he looked at me. I couldn’t move. Emotions ranging from rage to relief and back again flooded my system, rooting my feet and paralyzing my tongue. Lance bolted out of the kitchen, jumping up on Adam’s legs for attention, and he broke our gaze to lean over and give him some love. God, I was envious. I wanted to go wrap myself around him, too.
“Hey, buddy,” he whispered.
I took the reprieve and gulped in a breath, steeling myself with a neutral expression.
When he looked back up, his face was softer, unguarded, and it slammed into me with the force of a punch to the chest. I rubbed at my sternum with my fist.
“Faith.” Jesus, just the sound of my name on his lips made my big toes curl under. “I know you probably don’t want me here, but—”
“It’s Matthew’s birthday, anyone is welcome,” I managed, not recognizing my own voice.
