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Her question stings and my hands itch to reach out, to smooth over her skin, to tell her that I was a fucking fool.
“That was my own shit,” I confess. “I…there are so many things I never got to tell you.” I lean my head back on the cream wall closest to me, trying to find a way to share myself with her in a way I haven’t been able to with anyone at all, ever.
But I’ll split myself open for her if it means she’ll understand the many years it took for me to get here.
“I left Italy,” I start, taking a shuddering breath, “for my studies. I was learning cinematography.”
If I let myself sink deeper into my memories, I can still remember the sound of my sister’s laughter.
“My younger sister was visiting, in awe of L.A. and the celebrity life. I was barely anybody back then, but I could manage to get us into some decent parties.” I sniff, wiping at the tears that’d formed and tracked down my face. “She wanted to go to this party—meet this fucking singer.”
I pause to laugh, a hollow sound.
“I was in the bathroom when it happened. I came out and…she was dead. They said she’d jumped from the balcony, but I never believed it. I still don’t.”
I finally glance at Sabrina and her eyes are wide, her lips parted. I look away, shame filling me.
“I arranged for her body to be sent to my parents and I never went back. Haven’t spoken to them since.”
“Have they tried to reach out to you?”
I nod, rubbing my hands over my face and leaving them there.
“But you know me. I’m good at being hard to reach.”
We stand there, unsure of how to move forward from this moment. So, I continue my life story, wanting to tell her everything. I heard once before that you couldn’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been.
The possibility of Sabrina and I hinges on the idea that in order to move forward with me, she’d have to know me; understand every version of myself that I’ve ever been.
“I married my assistant a few years after. It made sense. She was taking care of me, anyway.” I straighten and turn, wanting to see her as I say the next part. “Our divorce was messy. My reputation was dragged through the mud and just when I felt like I was only ever going to find momentary happiness in random lovers, I met you. I met you and that night…I was the person I would’ve been, had my life gone the way I dreamed it would. I let myself be the best version of myself, thinking I would never see you again. And when I did see you again, I was so angry. I was fucking mad that the person I wanted to be wasn’t who I was. But I decided,Stellina, I decided to be my best self for you. My untainted, free to love, me.”
She shudders out her breath and her hands find their way around her body again, like she’s holding herself together.
“And when it came time to let you go, I had to. I had to save you from me, from a life stained by my own shit.”
“When I saw you with her that day—”
“I brought her there to see Tómas. The dean. I wanted him to see me with her, to draw his own conclusions so he wouldn’t worry about you ever again.”
I step toward her, finally feeling like this could be the right moment to touch her, too afraid to actually do it.
I still love her. It hasn’t dulled. If anything, it’s grown to fit the woman she’s become.
“And I let you think whatever you needed to so you could walk away. So, you never had to worry about my life ruining yours.”
Sabrina meets me the rest of the way, dropping her hands from her body and reaching for my face.
When she leans up to kiss me, I meet it with enthusiasm, pulling her close, wanting to never let her go.
“Tell me you’ve missed me,” she shudders out as she tucks her face into my neck.
My response is immediate.
“So much,Stellina. Too much.”
