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CHAPTER FOUR
Gray
I’m amazed by Vanessa. The thought occurs to me early in the morning as I start coffee and then go to my back porch to listen to the early morning sounds of the animals about a quarter mile from my house. It’s amazing to be back home and I think about how back in high school I could never understand why my father bought so many empty lots around us. Now, I get it.
Apart from my parents, who live in the guest house because Mom designed it herself and likes it better, there are no neighbors for a half mile toward the South as well as toward the North. There are neighbors across the street but the street is a quarter mile away. A civil engineer prior to retirement, Pop’s a brilliant man. I recognize the brilliance now. He did all the planning for this subdivision of eleven-hundred houses, two-hundred duplexes, two schools, three parks and three retail developments. He didn’t take a cent but instead received one house, a portion of raw land, and sixty-three finished lots.
He never sold the lots or developed them as I believed he would. Instead, his foresight gives his family a thirty-nine-acre piece of paradise in the middle of the suburbs. Our property includes the six-acre pond fed by Haskell Creek from which the animal noises come. Some of my best memories are of fishing for the incredible trout and whitefish there. The pond also attracts ducks, rabbits, and deer from the surrounding forest, which is Federally owned land so undevelopable.
Paradise.
I drain my coffee and head back inside for more. As I pour, I see Vanessa’s phone charging on the counter. It amazes me we are working on our second month already. It delights me as well. I can honestly say she’s everything I want in a little girl. The bottom line is I’m a pretty strict disciplinarian, and I know my past relationships are filled with how that can go wrong.
But Vanessa…
All I know is I’m still being me but the relationship is still working. I think I’m adjusted well to having Vanessa and still busy trying to figure out how to be a civilian. I think I like that better than the other way around. I put the coffee pot down and take a sip and then I hear a sleepy voice behind me say, “Good morning, Daddy.”
I turn with a smile and see her smiling back. “Would you like a cup?”
She nods sleepily and murmurs, “Yes, please.” I pour her a cup and say, “Would you like to sit on the porch with me?”
She nods with a mile and we walk out. She’s wearing the cotton pajamas I bought her a few says ago, pink with smiling white clouds. On each cloud sleeps a teddy bear. Vanessa looks about as content and beautiful as a little girl can be. She sits down and says, “This is really beautiful, Daddy.”
I put my arm around her and pull her close. She snuggles against me with a soft sigh. I tell her how my parents bought the surrounding land so we could experience nature as children without having to drive to it.
“Your parents sound wonderful,” she says.
“They are,” I agree. “I’ll take you to meet them when they return from Europe.”
“They live in Europe?” she asks, wide-eyed.
I laugh. “No, sweetheart, they live in the guest house. They’re in Italy for vacation.”
“Wow,” she says. “I wish I could visit Italy.”
“I’ll take you there someday,” I say. “But not right now. Right now, you need to get ready for work. You don’t want to be late again like last week, do you?”
She grimaces and rubs her bottom. “No, Daddy, I definitely do not want to be late again.”
“Well, you better get going then,” I say.
“Okay, Daddy,” she says. She kisses my cheek and stands up. “Will you take me walking through your wilderness tonight?” she asks.
My wilderness. I never thought of it like that before. I smile and reply, “Of course, princess. But not if you’re late to work again. Go!”
She giggles and bounces off to shower and dress for work. It takes every ounce of willpower I possess to avoid going after her and doing things that we will both enjoy very much but that will most certainly make her late for work.
Before she leaves, she gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I watch her as she walks to her car and drives away and reflect on how much those little tokens of affection mean to me.
Like I said before, I’m a very strict Daddy. Most Daddies are at least a little strict but I am definitely stricter than most. The spanking I gave Vanessa for being late to work last week was the kind most Daddies reserve for serious offenses like lying or cheating.
Vanessa cried while it happened. She cries every time I spank her, which is about once a week so far. She cries and I hate myself but I can’t stop. I can’t stop because at the end of the day, I think people need to understand that there are consequences for poor decisions and if my little girl can feel immediate, real, tangible consequences to poor behavior than I might spare her the pain of suffering more serious real-life consequences to bad choices. Maybe it comes from growing up with a strict father who never shielded me from the consequences of my own bad decisions or maybe it comes from my time in the Army where a bad decision could quite literally get you and your brothers killed. In any case, being strict is a part of who I am and it’s a part of every relationship I’ve had.
For this reason, none of my past relationships have lasted. Little girls eventually have enough of a Daddy who spanks them as often as he comforts them and they move on for more gentle men. I hold no disdain for them, but it hurts.
If I lose Vanessa, it won’t just hurt me.
That, as they say, might be the thing that kills me.
