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‘He left you a list – like a shopping list?’
‘Kind of. He wants me to find some things.’
‘Really? Like a treasure hunt?’
‘I guess you could call it that.’ She picked up the envelope and turned it over in her hands. ‘I felt so bad because I did nothing like this for him in my will.’
Lili didn’t want to say it. She stood there, biting her lower lip.
‘What are you thinking?’
‘I suppose people who work on the front line, like police officers, firefighters …’ she paused and added softly, ‘paramedics. They have to face thewhat ifquestion – you know,what happens if I die soon. What if something happens today when I am on duty and I never come home? Perhaps it just means they have to think about what would happen to the ones they leave behind now, not twenty, thirty, forty years down the road when they died of the big C or, god willing, old age.’
Abigail raised her eyes from the letter. ‘Yes, that’s very true.’ She stepped forward. ‘Here.’
Lili took a step back, raising her hands. ‘Oh, I couldn’t read something as deeply personal as that.’
‘I want you to, as my friend.’
Lili took the envelope, stepping back into the lounge. Lili’s eyes followed her as Abigail walked out of the kitchen, into the lounge. ‘What are you doing?’
Abigail took out a movie reel from Toby’s box. ‘You’ll see. Read the letter.’ She started threading the tape into the projector.
Lili looked at the envelope. She gingerly took out the single sheet of white notepaper, took a deep breath, and started to read.
My dearest Abigail, I have left you my final home movie. You will find it in the box – you know where I keep it. I couldn’t think of an appropriate title. I didn’t want to call it, ‘when I’ve passed’ – sounds a bit silly, if you ask me, like when I’ve passed what? A kidney stone, a number two?
Lili smiled, recalling Toby’s sense of humour.
Then I realised, this isn’t about me, it’s about you. Your life from this point forward. We die, Abigail. Shit happens. I don’t want to sound callous when I say get over it, but you have to. For me. For you. For the people around you.
Look, I hope it won’t be for some considerable years yet. In fact, I want nothing more than in our old dotage to show this home movie to you and make a different one when I’m all wrinkly, old, and grey – and you are too. But if that is not the case, if I die young, you must promise me one thing, Abigail, to lead a full life, a happy life without me. So watch me, listen. Please do as I ask – for me, for you, for your future.
Lili walked over and sat down on the sofa, slipping the piece of paper back into the envelope. She watched Abigail setting up the movie reel. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see the film, and felt quite shocked he’d left Abigail a home movie from beyond the grave, recorded on his own cine film. She glanced at Abigail, thinking her friend must have been shocked when she’d found out. Now she understood what had happened.
Abigail joined her on the sofa as the projector started to hum. ‘It’ll take a minute.’
Lili turned to her. ‘Are you sure you want to watch this again?’ Lili wasn’t sure she wanted to watch it at all.
‘Yes. To be honest, I was shocked he’d done this. I can tell you are too. If I’d known, I would have told him just to write the letter and put it all in there, but I know what he was doing. I could cross out his writing, tear upthe letter and bin it, stamping my foot, saying no, absolutely not. But can I say no to him?’ She pointed at the screen as his face appeared.
‘Is this here, in the cottage?’ Lili blurted.
‘Yes. He hadn’t been given the cottage at that point. He’d filmed it early one morning because you’ll see towards the end there’s a noise and my voice calling down for a cup of tea. Something so ordinary. Who would have thought a short time later, I’d be sitting alone watching him telling me to live my best life without him?’
Lili put an arm around her shoulders.
‘You’re not alone, Abigail.’
‘Thanks, Lili.’
They sat listening to Toby’s list of things he wanted his widow to find.
‘Find a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the morning.’
Lili already thought of something that would keep Abigail busy. She had a favour to ask. She decided to keep silent for the time being and watch the rest of the home movie, interested in what Toby had to say next.
‘Find happiness. It could be something as small as buying some flowers or taking a walk along the clifftop by the cottage we used to rent together.’
