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94
Another couple of days dragged by with almost nothing getting done in the studio. Miles was furious because the Austin City Limits concert was getting close, and it looked like the band wouldn’t exist that long at its current rate.
Under Miles’s constant berating, Derek toned down his act for awhile. He even left me alone.
Until he ambushed me outside the studio.
He was standing outside when I walked up. “Can we talk? As adults? Just for a minute?”
“You’re not acting like an adult at all,” I said as I reached for the door.
He put his hand on the door to keep it closed. “I know. And I’m being an asshole, I realize that. But I need to say something, and I need you to listen to me.”
“Let go of the door, Derek.”
“I won’t hit on you, I won’t touch you… but I need to talk to you. Please.”
Something in his tone touched a soft spot inside me, and I pulled my hand away from the door. But it didn’t inspire me to be all warm and fuzzy. “So talk.”
“Seriously, I need you to promise me that you’ll listen to me for two minutes and not interrupt. Can you do that?”
“I’m not promising anything.”
“You listen to what I have to say, and I’ll back off. I’ll leave Ryan alone, I’ll play nice.”
“For what, the rest of the day?”
“For the rest of the recording session. Until we finish the album.”
I didn’t really believe him, but on the off-chance he was sincere, it was too good of an offer to pass up.
“Fine.” I crossed my arms defensively and stood there.
“I’m sorry. I fucked up. I know that. And I know you don’t trust me… but Kaitlyn… please… you’ve done this before. You were with a nice guy – ”
“Kevin was an asshole,” I interrupted.
“You said you were going to listen to me.”
I gritted my teeth and listened.
“You were with somebody before who wasn’t right for you. I know Ryan’s a lot better than him. I know that. And you have every reason not to trust me. But, Kaitlyn… we had something special four years ago. We did. It was magical, it was… it was the best two weeks of my entire life. And you nearly killed me when you drove away that day. I know, I know – I’m not blaming you, okay? It was a long time ago. But I didn’t handle it well, and I let it poison when we finally
did
get together. And because of that, I threw away what we had.”
“You said that you would have eventually cheated on me anyway,” I fumed.
“The guy who said that was the one you walked out on four years ago, the guy who hadn’t dealt with it yet. I’m different now. I know you don’t believe that, but – ”
“Why would it be any different now? Why should I believe you wouldn’t cheat on me again?”
He stared into my eyes. “Because I realized I’m totally, completely in love with you, and you’re the only thing in my life besides music that matters. All the other shit – the alcohol, the women – they were just… drugs to numb me. Something to pass the time.”
“And how many ‘drugs’ have you had to pass the time since you got out of rehab?” I scoffed.
“None.”
“I was talking about how many
women
you’ve slept with,” I said sarcastically.
“So was I. And the answer’s still none.”
I stared into his eyes.
He was telling the truth.
And it threw me for a loop.
He continued talking. “I knew you couldn’t trust me until I showed you something first, and that’s what I’m trying to say: I’m not going anywhere. I’m not cheating on you. I know, deep in my soul, that we’re supposed to be together… and I love you. For me, that started the day after I walked out of rehab. Nobody else. You and me. That’s it.”
“Derek – ”
“I know you love him. But do you love him more than me?”
“Yes.”
“Not more than you love me
now
. Do you love him more than you loved me four years ago? More than you loved me when we spent our first night together?”
I turned away. I couldn’t handle looking into his eyes while I was feeling like this.
But I could feel his gaze boring into my skull.
“That’s what I thought,” he said.
The utter surety in his voice irked me, made me blurt out, “Yes, I love him more than I ever loved you.”
I heard him chuckle. “You’re horrible at lying, you know that?”
I glared at him.
“Look, it won’t be easy, but it’s simple,” he said quietly. “Tell him you’re sorry, but you can’t be with him anymore.”
“He already offered to let me go.”
Derek stared at me. “What?”
“The day he caught you trying to kiss me in the alley – ”
“He
offered
to let you go?”
