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You
feel it. You need to stop pretending.”
“I’m not cheating on Ryan with you!”
“I’m not
asking
you to!” he raged. “I’m saying come back to me!
Be
with me, goddammit!”
I covered my face with my hands. “You’re just a scorpion,” I whispered.
“What?”
“Get out,” I said, dropping my hands and glaring at him. When he didn’t move, I screamed, “GET OUT!”
He shook his head in angry confusion. “I don’t understand you.”
“And you never will. GET OUT AND GO AWAY.”
He ripped open the door and slammed it shut behind him.
I sunk down onto the floor, my entire body trembling from the taste of what I wanted so badly, and cried.
Sixty seconds later I heard another knock at the door.
“I
said
GO AWAY!” I yelled.
“…Kaitlyn?” another voice asked.
Ryan.
106
I hastily wiped my tears off my cheek, then the taste of Derek off my lips.
“Just a minute – ”
There was the sound of a beep, and the
click
of the lock.
The door opened before I could get it, and there stood Ryan.
He looked furious.
I cringed, imagining him about to say all the horrible things about myself I knew I deserved to hear –
“Did he hurt you?” he asked, striding into the room and enveloping me in his arms.
Oh my God…
I was feeling so guilty about my desires, and all he could think of was if I was alright.
“No,” I sobbed.
“Tell me the truth – did he hurt you?” He held me out at arm’s length, his face a mask of fury. “I’ll kill him – so help me God, I’ll fucking – ”
Our eyes met, and suddenly he knew.
All the anger drained away and was replaced by hurt. But when he spoke, his voice was dead. “…you kissed him.”
I exhaled shakily. “He kissed
me.
”
His arms went slack and he let go of me. Just stood there, looking at me. Then he walked past me like he was in a trance, sat on the edge of the bed facing away from me, and buried his head in his hands.
“I… I stopped him,” I said in a tiny voice.
He didn’t say anything back.
“I love
you,
” I whispered.
“But you love him, too,” he said, his voice still flat and lifeless, and muffled by his hands over his face.
I was about to say ‘no,’ but – why lie? Why deny what everyone knew was true?
“…yes.”
He inhaled wearily, then lifted his head, keeping his hands over the bottom half of his face. He stared out into the dark night sky through the window.
“You need to make a decision,” he said.
“I already have. I want to be with you.”
“You need to rethink that decision and make sure it’s what you really want – ”
“I am sure, I
am
– ”
“ – because tomorrow you leave with me, or you leave with him. Either way, I’m out of the band.”
My face crumpled in agony. “Ryan… no…”
“I’ll do the one last performance, and that’s it. I’m out. So… go talk to him… do whatever… but… I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t live not knowing.”
I moved to touch him, but he held out a hand to ward me off. Wouldn’t look at me as he did it.
“Please… just… not now. Not until you decide for real.”
I stood there for a long moment, wanting so badly to touch him, him refusing to look at me… and then I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me.
107
I wandered the halls of the W in a daze.
I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for it.
Derek had come in and bulldozed me again, tearing down everything in his path – including my life – to get what he wanted.
Ryan was only asking for what anyone would want: a straight answer.
And for a girlfriend who wanted him as much as he wanted her.
The horrible thing was, no matter what I did, he would quit the band. I was stealing everything he loved away from him, and I didn’t understand how I could undo it. If I went with Derek, Ryan would lose twice over: both the band
and
me.
