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108
After the interaction with Miles – one more strand of loss in my personal Gordian Knot – I lost my taste for any further drinking and went back upstairs.
Ryan was already in bed. As soon as I came in, he rolled over. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I said as I sat down on the edge.
We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.
“I still want to be with you,” I said quietly.
A long pause.
“…but…” he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I don’t know. I’m… I’m…”
I started to cry. Not out of any attempt to get out of the discussion, but because I was so tired. And so worn down. And so unhappy about hurting so many people – including myself.
Ryan is nothing if not a softie. He lay there for a few seconds listening to me, then stretched out his hand. “Come here.”
I sniffled and crawled across the covers until I was nestled against his bare chest.
“I want to be with you,” I whispered.
“Are you absolutely sure that’s what you want?”
I nodded ‘yes,’ because I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince him with my voice.
He sighed with relief. “Then we’ll leave after the concert.”
“Please don’t quit the band.”
“I really don’t see another way out of it.”
Another tightly knit string in the Gordian Knot.
I grasped at straws, trying anything to make him reverse his decision. “You promised Riley you weren’t going anywhere.”
That made him pause – but only for a second. “We’ll still be close, whether I’m in the band or not. She’ll understand.”
“I don’t think she will.”
He looked at me with more than a little irritation. “I would’ve thought you’d be more interested in you and me than me and Riley.”
“I am – but I don’t want you to throw this all away.”
“I’m not. I’m giving up something that’s ripping you away from me.”
Hearing that was bad enough – but his next words were the killer.
“I can’t stand around and watch it happen anymore… whether you come with me or not, I just can’t.”
I cried into his chest and he held me, both of us quiet, both of us dreading the next 24 hours.
109
We were tender with each other when we woke up the next day, careful of each other’s emotional wounds and frailties. We didn’t make love, but we kissed long, and slow, and deep.
There was a terrible sadness there, like maybe it was for the last time.
We didn’t see everyone else until after lunch, when we went to the suite reserved just for the band. Killian was baked, as usual. Riley was watchful and serious, and she eyed me and Ryan like a worried sailor reading dark clouds on the horizon.
Derek, on the other hand, was chipper as could be. He gave me a sunny smile and acted like the scene from last night had never happened.
“This is going to be great,” he announced as he tucked into a gourmet burger from room service. “Which new songs are going on the set list?”
“All of them,” Ryan said.
“You think they’re all good enough?”
“Might be the last time we play them,” Ryan said darkly. “Might as well play them all.”
“Ha –
carpe diem.
Okay, fine.”
Fifteen minutes later, there came a moment when the pattern of the last several weeks reversed, and I followed Derek out of the room to get him alone in the hallway.
“You come back for some more?” he asked jauntily.
“Ryan’s quitting the band,” I snapped.
Derek narrowed his eyes. “What?”
“He saw you coming out of the room last night, and he’s quitting the band.”
He nodded. “Figures.”
“Figures?! You keep flipping him off by coming after me – ”
“I keep coming after you because we’re supposed to be together.”
“I told you I wanted you to stop!”
“You also told me you wanted to stop four years ago, and I think we both know
that
was a mistake.”
He took a step closer to me.
I would be lying if I said my pulse didn’t quicken, and that part of me didn’t ache for a replay from last night – but I backed away from him. “No. Stop it.”
He smirked briefly, then grew serious. “So, what – did he give you an ultimatum? ‘Come with me or else’?”
I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. “There is no ‘or else.’ It’s just… I’m supposed to make up my mind once and for all.”
Suddenly Derek was
very
serious. “And what did you decide?”
“I…”
I didn’t answer, because I didn’t have one.
He stepped closer again, and this time I didn’t pull away. My heart beat faster as he stared into my eyes.
“Just remember,” he murmured, “that he’s walking away from the band. It’s something he loves, and he’s walking away. He’s not fighting for it, and he’s sure as hell not fighting for you. He told you to make up your mind. Not, ‘I love you and I’ll always love you and I’ll never let you go’; not ‘I can’t live without you.’ Just… ‘make up your mind,’” he finished mockingly.
