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I stared at her. This was the first I had ever heard about this. I was only familiar with the fights between my parents, the whispers from other family members when they thought I wasn’t listening.
Not this.
Not what she was telling me now.
“You asked for a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you go through with it?”
“I wanted to. But your father talked me out of it.”
“He did?”
She nodded.
“What did he say?”
“That it would hurt you and your brothers too much. That it would irreparably scar you forever. So… I listened to him.” She got an annoyed look on her face. “Stupidest thing I ever did.”
“Stupidest thing you ever
did?”
I raged. “What, sleeping with Mr. Hill wasn’t stupider?”
Her whole body sagged, and she looked off into the distance again, like she was remembering some staggering loss. “No,” she said quietly. “No, it wasn’t.”
My fury was white-hot at this point. “So, what, it wasn’t enough that you fucked dad’s business partner behind his back – ”
She shot me a warning look at that one, but I pressed on.
“ – and destroyed his company and all of our lives, but you think you would have been better off getting a divorce, too?”
She looked me dead in the eye. “Was it so much better that I stayed?”
I didn’t have an answer for that.
Not one I wanted to say out loud, anyway.
She turned away and stared off into the distance again. “Your father and I stopped loving each other a long, long time ago. I don’t know when it happened, exactly… but it was long before the affair. I didn’t even realize we’d stopped until it was too late. I guess it was years and years of little things piling up… and maybe years and years of not paying attention to the big things. But one day I woke up and realized that the man in bed next to me was a stranger.
“I asked him if he would go to marriage counseling. He said no at first… but I kept asking and asking until he finally gave in. But he resented me for it. And he never really tried. Whenever we went to see the therapist, he just crossed his arms and didn’t say much. He quit after three sessions. He said we were fine, and he was tired of some stranger judging our marriage. He said nothing was wrong, that all married couples eventually ended up like us.
“A couple of years after the marriage counselor, Stephen… Mr. Hill… he confided in me that he and his wife were having problems. I remember he said that he thought your dad and I were a perfect couple, and that he wanted his marriage to be just like ours. I broke down crying. He was so sweet and kind. We talked a lot… for months… and then… it just happened. It happened, and it went on for awhile.
“Stephen and I talked about getting divorces. Never anything serious, just talk. But I was afraid. I was afraid of what might happen, so it never went beyond talk.
“Then your father found out. Suddenly I wasn’t afraid anymore, because I knew the worst had already happened. I remember going into his office and saying I wanted to leave. I only planned to stay long enough to tell him. Instead, he started talking… and I listened to him.” She shook her head. “What I should have done was walk out and go pack my bags.”
My whole body was trembling now. But not from anger.
“You… you wanted to leave us?” My lips quivered. “You wanted to leave
me?”
She looked at me. “
No.
No, I never would have done that. I wanted custody of you kids. If he wouldn’t give me that, then I would have shared custody. But I never,
ever
would have left you.”
Now that my panic was gone, the anger resurfaced.
“Is this the part where you say ‘I was only thinking of you’?” I sneered.
Her shoulders slumped, and her face became sad. “Try to understand, Kaitlyn. I was absolutely miserable. I was miserable then, I’m miserable now, and I’m so,
so
tired of being
miserable
.”
For the first time in my entire life, I looked at my mother like a woman and not my mom. The rage-tinted lenses dropped away from my eyes, and I finally saw something closer to the truth: a middle-aged woman, once beautiful, still vital, but worn down by life and years of a loveless marriage. Her eyes were mournful, and every wrinkle on her face spoke of a burden she had shouldered alone, without ever once asking for pity or understanding. The wine in her glass was the only thing she had to cope… because her daughter damn sure hadn’t offered any help.
Tears filled my eyes and silently spilled over onto my cheeks. I looked down at my lap. I couldn’t quite summon up forgiveness… but sadness and loss had finally overwhelmed my anger.
“…is that why you cheated on him? Because you were miserable?”
“Yes,” she said flatly.
My mind turned back to my freshman year… when
I
had cheated.
I don’t know if I would have described my relationship with Kevin as miserable –
No, that’s a lie. It
was
miserable. By the end of my freshman year, half the time it was okay – just ‘okay’ – and the other half it was hell.
Which led me to an inescapable conclusion.
“Do you… do you think people only cheat when they’re miserable?” I whispered.
Mom seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.
I felt her soft hand close over mine.
This time, I didn’t pull away.
“No, honey,” she said. “Sometimes he does it just because he’s an asshole, and he doesn’t know when he’s got the best woman in front of him he’ll ever meet in his life.”
All my pain suddenly poured over the dam. My shoulders shook, I sobbed, and I reached out for my mother.
She was there, her arms held wide. She surrounded me with her arms, rocking me back and forth, gently stroking my hair.
“There, there,” she whispered. “There, there. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be alright.”
