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“Yeah.” I swallowed and dove in. “Like what happened 12 years ago.”
My father visibly tensed. He sat up the tiniest bit and got very quiet and still.
“She and I kind of cleared the air,” I explained. “And I just thought that maybe – ”
“I don’t want to discuss this with you, Kaitlyn,” he said in a cold, clipped voice.
I frowned. “I went through it, too, you know. I know it was worse for you – a lot worse – but it was pretty bad for me, too. I thought we could – ”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Dad
–
”
“There are some things a man doesn’t want to discuss with his daughter,” Dad said angrily.
“I think that’s kind of the problem. We don’t discuss things, and they just sit there and fester.”
“Then that’s the way it will have to be.”
With that, he turned in his swivel chair and gave me his back.
I stared for a moment in disbelief. “Dad, you can’t just run away from – ”
The chair whipped around so that he faced me again – but it wasn’t my father. At least, it wasn’t the man I had known all my life. It was a red-faced, angry stranger scowling at me now.
“I told you we’re not going to talk about it, so we are NOT going to talk about it!”
If it had been any other time in my life, I probably would have just walked out. Run out, actually. But after having gone through all my pent-up suffering just ten minutes before, all I could see now was my father in pain.
So I tried once again.
“Dad, Mom is really sorry for what she did. I think it’s time we forgive her,” I said quietly.
“Forgive her?” he snarled, the cords in his neck standing out like piano wires. “
Forgive
her? Forgive her for humiliating me? Forgive her for betraying me, for stabbing me in the back?”
“Dad – Mom wasn’t trying to hurt you – ”
“Really? That’s not the way
I
remember it.”
“She was just unhappy.”
“Oh, so it’s
my
fault she decided to whore around?”
I gasped. I had never heard my father use that kind of language before.
Especially
not about my mother.
“Dad – ”
“She can tell you whatever she wants, and she can fill your head with lies and you can believe them, but I’m through with it. Do you understand me? I am through with it. And I’m not going to discuss this anymore.”
He started to turn around in his chair again.
“Dad, you’re
not
through with it – anybody can see that – ”
“Do you feel the need to openly defy me? Or are you just stupid, or hard of hearing?”
I started to shake, both in anger and fear. My father and I had never been close, not since I was little – but he had
never
acted this way towards me before.
It reminded me unnervingly of the way Derek had treated me in our final few fights.
“I’m going,” I snapped as I stood.
“Shut the door behind you.”
I didn’t just shut it, I slammed it as hard as I could.
69
I was crying by the time I got to the top of the stairs. I could hear my brothers chattering excitedly with Ryan in Tim’s bedroom. I waited a few minutes and composed myself, then knocked on the door and walked in.
Ryan was seated on the edge of the bed, showing my brothers some sort of guitar technique.
“Hey Kaitlyn,” he said, and then saw immediately that something was wrong. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. But I need to talk to you. Guys, give us a minute, okay?”
“Aw, come on, Kaitlyn!” Rob complained. “He was showing us how he does the baseline on ‘Forgot You Were Gone’ – ”
“
Guys,
” I snapped. “I need a minute. Okay?”
Tim got it right away, and hauled Rob away by his elbow. “Come on, let’s go get some ice cream or something.”
“But it’s your freakin’ room!” Rob complained as I shut the door behind them.
Ryan looked up at me in concern. “What’s wrong?”
“I just had a long talk with my mom.”
“About what?”
“About how she cheated on my dad when I was 12 years old.”
Ryan’s eyes bugged out. “Uhhh… okay…”
“I hated her for years, and now I don’t hate her anymore. I think I finally understand her now.”
“Oh… okay, well… that’s cool.” Ryan stood up and walked over to me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes… no. I mean, I
was
, but then I talked to my dad.”
My shoulders begin to tremble as I started to cry.
“Kaitlyn…” Ryan whispered as he put his arms around me and held me.
“It’s just… I realized that after all these years, I’d been angry at her without giving her a chance… and that’s exactly what my dad did. He never gave her another chance, and I don’t think he ever intended to give her one.”
