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I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears spilling down my cheeks.
“But
you,
” he said, turning to Ryan. “You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to have my back. She was my girlfriend – the only girlfriend I’ve ever had. I’ve been with a lot of women, yeah, but she was the only one I ever loved, and you
knew
that. I know you fell in love with her too, that first time I brought her over to your parents’ house… but no matter how much of an asshole I was, you shouldn’t have made a move on her.”
Ryan looked sick. “I know.”
“You crossed a line you’re not supposed to cross, man.”
“Riley says I broke the ‘bro code.’”
Derek snorted. “She said that, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Who would’ve thought. Well… she’s right.”
“I’m sorry, Derek.”
“…it’s… it’s… fuck it. I forgive you, man. I have a whole lot of shit I’ve done that I need you to forgive me for, too, so… let’s just forgive and forget.”
Ryan nodded miserably.
Derek turned back to me. “And I know you had every reason in the world to do what you did, but… my best friend?” he asked, his voice pleading. “Did you have to do that?”
My whole body was trembling. “It… it just happened. I didn’t meant it to… it just… happened.”
“I know. It’s…” He shook his head and looked down at the ground. “Like I said, I’ve got a thousand things to apologize for, and you guys only fucked up once. But… it was kind of a big one.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He looked up and smiled sadly. “Let’s call it even. Actually, no, it’s not even; I was way worse. But… let’s just wipe the slate clean, what do you say?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He breathed out heavily. “Cool.”
We stood around staring at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.
“Hey, look, um… I need to ask both of you a favor,” Derek said, breaking the silence.
“Anything,” Ryan said.
“I want to talk to Kaitlyn alone.”
As soon as he said it, my heart leapt in my chest.
I wasn’t sure that was a good thing. The heart leaping, I mean.
Actually, I wasn’t sure talking to him alone was a good idea, either.
“What?” Ryan asked, shocked.
“I did a lot of thinking while I was in rehab. A lot of therapy. About my dad… my mom… my step-dad… but after that, one of the biggest things I had to deal with was when Kaitlyn walked out on me four years ago.”
Hearing him say that was like a knife through my heart. “Derek – ”
He turned to me. “I know you didn’t, not really, but… that’s what it feels like. My therapist said I need to go back and get closure with the past. Grieve it. Bury it. I was hoping you and I could go downtown… maybe back to the dorm… confront the ghosts and say goodbye.”
Goodbye to the ghosts?
Or goodbye to each other?
“Derek, I – ”
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that,” Ryan interrupted. His expression and tone were harder than they had been before. Sterner, more forceful.
Derek smiled. “I get it. I understand.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. You still don’t trust me.”
Ryan softened the tiniest bit. “That’s not it.”
“Yeah it is. And I don’t blame you, even though I promise you don’t have anything to worry about. But here’s the thing: do you trust
her?”
Ryan looked at me.
My heart was thudding in my chest.
“Yes,” he said, though I could tell it wasn’t one hundred percent the truth.
“If you trust her, then it doesn’t matter if you trust me or not,” Derek said.
Ryan hesitated, torn.
I cleared my throat. “
Ahem.
I don’t like you two talking about me in the third person, and I
really
don’t like you acting like I don’t have any say in the matter.”
Derek chuckled. “Sorry. No disrespect intended. And I guess I didn’t even ask you directly, so – will you go with me? Will you help me sort through some stuff and say goodbye to the past?”
Now it was my turn to hesitate. “I… I need to talk to Ryan for a minute. Alone.”
Derek nodded. “I understand. I’ll, uh… I’ll just go inside, get some more water.”
He walked into the house and shut the sliding glass door behind him.
“Well?” I asked Ryan.
“I still don’t trust him.”
“I think he might be serious.”
Ryan scratched his chin. “Maybe.”
“I won’t go if you don’t want me to.”
“Do you want to go?”
Yes,
a voice inside me whispered.
No!
another voice warned.
“I want to bury the past,” I said truthfully. “I want to feel like you guys are okay, and the band is going to be okay, and I can let go of everything and just be with you and not worry about it.”
He paused to consider, then nodded the tiniest bit. “I’ll leave it up to you.”
