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It took me a long while to compose myself, but when I finally did, I drove back to Ryan’s. The guard waved me through the gate, and after five minutes of winding through his neighborhood I parked in the garage.
I thought about what I was going to say as I sat there in the darkness.
I could tell him the truth… but then he would quit the band, I was sure of it. He would sever all ties with Derek, and it would all be my fault.
I didn’t want that. But that would be what happened if I told him.
…or…
…I could lie.
I could tell him about the rest of the evening. Nothing had happened at the dorm or the gyro place. I could leave out the part in the parking lot. I wouldn’t even have to leave out all of it – just the part at the end.
It wouldn’t be a full-on lie; more like bending the truth.
No… if you’re going to lie, at least don’t lie to yourself.
I felt sick.
I hadn’t wanted any of this to happen. I hadn’t wanted Derek to come back, I hadn’t wanted to feel these feelings, I hadn’t wanted things to be
so HARD.
Why couldn’t it be easy? For once, why couldn’t the choice just be clear? Why couldn’t all the things I wanted line up neatly in a row?
Ryan deserved the truth.
But if I gave it to him, he would destroy the band. He would walk away.
And I didn’t want that on my conscience.
I could handle Derek.
If he cared about me at all, he would listen to me and leave me alone, once and for all.
I decided on what I was going to do. I got out of the car, walked into the house, and went to go find Ryan.
He was sitting in the den with a full wine glass and an empty bottle.
“That took awhile,” he said, his words a little slurred.
“Yeah, he wanted the full tour down memory lane,” I said with a forced smile.
“Did he get whatever it was he wanted?” Ryan asked in a dead, flat voice.
My stomach turned.
No. No, he didn’t.
“I think so. He said he got closure, so…”
Ryan stood up, quickly and off-balance.
Suddenly I was afraid. I tensed, ready for a blast of anger – like from all the other men in my life –
I don’t know who you are sometimes. You’re becoming more and more like your roommate.
I guess you forgot that you reamed my ass out again last night for looking at some women who happened to be standing right in front of me. Which you always do, EVERY… SINGLE… FUCKING… NIGHT.
Don’t you walk out on me! DON’T YOU
DARE
WALK OUT ON ME!
But instead, he just walked over to me and put his hand tenderly against my face.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
“…yeah,” I lied. “Are you?”
“I am now.”
I looked over at the wine bottle. “You weren’t before?”
“Honestly? …no.”
“Why?”
He smiled sadly. “Because I thought I might lose you.”
His words were like thorns pressing into my heart.
“Oh, Ryan… no…”
“I know you still care for him, Kaitlyn.”
“Ryan – ”
“Shhh, it’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s okay. I’m not asking you to
not
feel that way about him. I just… I love you. I always will, no matter what.”
My heart was breaking.
How could I have ever even thought for a second of hurting him?
I hadn’t – not consciously – but back in the parking lot, my body had betrayed me, and I hated myself for it.
“I love you
,
” I whispered. “I love
you
.”
He leaned down and kissed me, and the softness and sweetness of that kiss suffused my whole body.
His hands caressed my back. I pulled him tight against me – and felt him hardening against my belly.
It turned me on – which was a relief. After my uncontrollable attraction to Derek just thirty minutes ago, I had been afraid that maybe, just
maybe
I wouldn’t feel the same about Ryan. It had been a subconscious fear, but it had been there.
But as I felt him growing harder and thicker against my body, I felt the stirrings of desire, and was glad.
I rubbed him through his pants… cupping his erection, feeling it thick and solid in my hand.
“Kaitlyn,” he breathed out.
