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“Shebetter beto star withourBryan.”
“To be honest, I hope she sucks. Celebrities end up dating their costars all the time. We can’t lose Bryan to someone like her!”
Resisting an urge to sigh, I navigate to one of my playlists on Spotify, which is a collection of kick-ass girl power anthems from my favorite K-pop singers. I tap on a song by Skye Shin, who just debuted this year but is already topping the charts. Skye’s Korean American like me, so I relate to a lot of her songs.
As I listen to her strong, confident voice, I feel my shoulders loosening up.
I’m not naive enough to think that people will be watching the show for me. Iknowthat most of the world will watch our K-drama out of morbid curiosity, since it’s the show that’ssupposedly so good that Bryan turned his back on music at the peak of his music career for. But I’m determined not to get outshined by him. Not when I have so much riding on this show.
Just as I get off at my bus stop, I get a call from Sophia, my manager.
“How are you holding up?” she asks me in English.
After a whole day of speaking Korean, hearing English is admittedly comforting. I may look like I was born and raised here in Korea, but I’m from Florida. I grew up splashing around in the warm turquoise waters of the Atlantic Ocean, not looking across the Han River like I am now.
Since I’ve always spoken Korean with my parents, I’m fluent, but I’m still more at ease with English. Meanwhile, Sophia was born in Korea but hopped back and forth between here and the US throughout her life, so she’s perfectly good at both Korean and English in a way I can only aspire to be.
“I’m fine,” I say. “Okay, that’s a lie. I’m terrified, but I’m trying to chill. I just overheard a bunch of middle schoolers trash-talking me.”
“Nerves are understandable. But try to enjoy tonight as much as you can. You earned this big debut. And remember, good or bad, buzz is buzz. Tonight’s premiere is going to be huge!”
I let out a quick sigh. “You’re right. As always. Hopefully no one makes fun of my Korean.”
“They’re not going to. You practiced so much! And honestly,your Korean wasn’t even that bad in the first place. Why are you worrying about it now?”
While I lived in a not-so-diverse part of the American South, I spent countless nights cuddled up on the couch with my mom watching every Korean drama I could get my hands on. K-dramas were my way of feeling like I belongedsomewherewhen I lived in a place where no one but my parents looked like me.
But when I was scouted by an entertainment company in middle school and actually moved to Seoul four years ago, it didn’t take long for me to realize I’m only as Korean as a sweet potato stuffed crust pizza. Yeah, sure, sweet potato stuffed crust pizzas are a staple ofKoreanPizza Huts. But they’re still pizzas. Which means they’re not very Korean at all.
I may not feel Korean enough, but tonight everything depends on convincing people I belong here. My parents gave up the life they had in the States to move back across the world with me. And everyone involved with the show worked so hard to get us to this point. As the co-lead, my performance affects the ratings and consequently their jobs.
Tonight everyone will be watching.
“Hana?” Sophia says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I sigh again. “Sorry, I’ll try to relax.”
“Excellent idea. Eat yummy food, put on a facial mask, anything that’ll help you feel better. Talk to you after the premiere?”
“Yup. Thanks, Sophia.”
By the time we hang up, I’ve arrived at home. It’s 8:45 p.m., fifteen minutes before the show’s premiere.
The moment I open the door, Mom and Dad hug me. Mom’s holding a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, my favorite snack, while Dad’s got a pair of chopsticks in one hand.
I almost burst into happy tears then and there. As much as I love eating Cheetos, I hate getting the red dust on my fingers. So I eat them with chopsticks. My parents know me so well.
“We’re so excited to watch the show!” says Mom.
Not much for words, Dad doesn’t say anything. But he doesn’t have to. His proud smile says enough. He’s a strong and silent Asian patriarch type, so a smile from him is the equivalent of glowing praise from someone else.
My parents work long hours, so I know how hard it must have been for them to make time for this. My stomach aches from how thankful I am. My life isn’t perfect, but one thing I definitely lucked out on are my parents.
I plop down into my usual space on the couch, right in between Mom and Dad. We rarely have time to watch TV together anymore, but when we do, I cherish every second of it.
Too nervous to stay still, I bounce my leg up and down as I snack on my Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, plucking each one out of the bag with my chopsticks and popping it into my mouth.
Mom, like she always does, notices immediately and says in a firm but gentle voice, “Hana, you know bouncing your leglike that is bad luck! You’re shaking your good fortune away.”
