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I pull out from her in a rush, leaving us both hanging, and she whimpers. I turn around from her inviting body. “Sorry.”
How the hell did it happen?
I have never broken my rule. No fucking without a condom. It doesn’t matter if I had a vasectomy. I cannot risk even a feeble chance of someone getting pregnant. I fucking cannot pass this fixation to another kid.
Anxiety and frustration crawl up my spine. As with everything, I’m doomed to mess this up. For the first time, I have something good in my life and my wayward mind is eager to take it away and rip it apart.
I get up from the bed and walk into the bathroom. Turning the shower on, I try to remind my fucking brain the reality it seems to have forgotten. This whole agreement was meant to give Hope the experiences she missed. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more or anything for me. Then why the hell am I seeking pleasure?
“Zach.” She enters the shower naked, shattering the glass wall of resolve I was slowly trying to build. Water glides down her smooth, silky body, causing my dick to rise. “What happened? I’m on the pill. You know that, right?”
I know it. I fucking sent her to the doctor. No precautions are too many when it comes to this.
But before I can reply, she drops to her knees and looks at me with those big, green eyes that always seem to see past my every facade.
“Hope,” I groan. She has never done this before. We are again breaking our rules. This was supposed to be for her and not me. I should storm out of this shower, which is too cramped for my head to think straight. But before I can even take a step back, her hesitant tongue licks me, rolling my resolve into a ball and throwing it out of the building.
I stand still, not doing anything. Though my hands itch to tangle her long flowing hair between my fingers and fuck her face like there’s no tomorrow. I know I should leave and not muddy the waters more than they already are.If my legs would only move.
Instead, I let her take everything she wants, let her give me everything she can.
Hope grabs my shaft with delicate hands before taking me in her mouth. Her inexperienced movements mess with my head, telling me this is my Hope and not some expert hooker. Taking cues from my groans, she finds the perfect rhythm, the perfect pressure.
Realizing that Hope has found the best way to suck me, the way which givesmethe best pleasure and not some random technique that you learn from porn or previous lovers is my undoing. I spurt in her mouth without so much as a warning. For a moment, I fear she might choke, but she swallows me completely.
I pick her up and kiss her. There is so much I want to do and say, but my tongue is held by the fear that I’ll fuck this up by blurting something wrong like I always do. And the stakes are too high here. It is not just Hope, but Ray too. The life they both have brought in my home and my heart.
I carry her to the bed, bedsheets getting damp under our wet bodies. My lips move from her mouth to her neck, kissing her, sucking her, leaving marks that I love to see on her delicious skin. I reach her beautiful breasts and suck her nipple while tweaking the other with my fingers. I tongue her ribs side to side, length to length. She squirms and withers, amplifying my desire as always. I nip her hip bone and love how her skin turns dark red. When I move lower and gently bite her pubic bone, she jumps from the bed, but I place one arm across her stomach and keep her still.
Parting her with my fingers, I sweep her sex with my tongue. She is wet and hot as always. I eat her like she is the best fucking treat and maybe she is.
I plunge two fingers into her, scissoring them and making her crazy. Her sounds grow needy and her hands move into my hair. I curl my fingers and rub that spot inside her while continuing to torment her with my tongue. Her fingers curl into fists and she shudders in my arms and cries out loud.
If the bedroom walls were not insulated, she would have woken up Ray. I don’t stop but continue to feed on her taste. She has become my own personal drug, which I didn’t want to be hooked on but am nevertheless. I regret it and don’t at the same time.
Finally, I drag myself up her body, kissing her hard and giving herhertaste. That gets her every time. In between the kisses, she whispers my name. When I finally look down at her face, my heart pounds. “Hope. Don’t,” I beg, wanting to hold on to this feeling. I know I can’t have it forever but just for a little longer.
“But—”
“Hope, once you say the words, there’s no going back.” I want to stay like this for just one more night.
I hold her close. Hiding my face in her neck, I hope, I pray, I beg that she listens to me. But she doesn’t.
“I’m in love with you.”
I feel her hiccup rising from her chest to her throat before it is released from her sweet mouth.
“I know you don’t feel the same. I’m so sorry I broke the promise.”
Her racing tears wet the side of my face, running from her cheeks to mine, as she takes the blame for a fault she didn’t make. She doesn’t understand that it is not because I don’t feel the same, but it’s because she doesn’t know me. When she learns my truth, she will hate herself for feeling this way.
“Hope, I can’t. You can’t. We can’t. This will mess up everything,” I lie to her. Truth is I can. I do. How can I not love her?
She nods dejectedly. I lie next to her and pull her into my arms. Her silent tears dripping on my chest feel like acid burning my skin and landing straight on my tortured heart.
Sometime during the night, her body softens, and she falls asleep. But sleep is the last thing on my mind. My thoughts wander to that imaginary world where I am not a fucked-up nutcase, where I can accept Hope’s love. I imagine the place where we are a happy family in every sense. After some more pathetic moments in bed, I cover her with the plush blanket and drag my sorry ass out of the house.
I stand at the parking area, look at my cars, and at the last moment decide to hire the cab from earlier. The driver had slipped his card in my hand when I was leaving.
