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He helped me into the shower, running his soapy hands over my body quickly and then shoving one between my legs. I winced, feeling so sore and thinking he’d take more than I wanted to give, but he only cleaned me in gentle movements.
“If that happens again, wear a condom,” I whispered. I wished that it wouldn’t need to be said, that I’d be able to trust my self-control where he was concerned. But I’d only known the man for four days, and I’d somehow ended up climbing him like a tree. His hand stilled as he washed me for a moment, and then he shook his head behind me and resumed his gentle cleaning.
“Nothing between us,” he grunted.
“It isn’t fair to the kids. I’m not on birth control. There’s been so much change, too much change, too quickly. We can’t be so irresponsible to throw a baby at them right now.” He was silent behind me, neither agreeing or disagreeing, so I pushed on to plead my case. “You claim you love them. Loving someone means putting their needs before your wants, Ryker. Please understand that they need time to adjust,” I begged, and I felt my body relax when he touched his mouth to the top of my head and nodded.
“For now. I’ll wear a condom for now,” he agreed, and I sagged in relief. At least that was one concern taken care of. I mentally ran through my cycle. We should theoretically be fine, unless Ryker had super sperm that could survive for a couple of weeks.
It would be fine. I had to believe that, because I could not have a baby with a man I had every intention of leaving in the dust the first chance I got.
???
The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully. Ryker seemed to realize I was too sore, too pained for him to touch me again. So he’d spent Sunday doting on the kids, giving me time to see him interact with them more.
It made me sad to realize just how much he did genuinely seem to love them. He was more engaged with them, more active in their time together than I could ever recall Chad being. He’d worked too much and been too tired when he got home to do much other than eat his dinner and fiddle on his phone.
I didn’t think he’d ever changed Ines diaper. Looking back, it hadn’t always been like that. He’d changed Axel, and played with him more when he’d been younger, but somewhere along the way our marriage had shifted.
He became a provider, sharing my bed but rarely touching me. He’d given me Ines only because I begged him for another baby.
It had only taken one time to get pregnant with her, and there had been a night when she was eight months old that he’d come home and made love to me. That had been the last time my husband touched me.
I felt naïve looking back, realizing I’d been so wrapped up in the kids that I never saw what was right in front of my face. Chad hadn’t desired me anymore, and who could blame him? I’d gone from being a woman who cared about her appearance to one who lived in comfortable clothes and was covered in spit up.
There was unfortunately nothing sexy about motherhood or the stretch marks that marred the skin of my hips.
I snapped out of my reverie when Ines giggled happily. “Mommy dream,” she said. I laughed at her, nodding my head in agreement as I booped her nose.
“I was,” I whispered. “Do you want to go check on the boys?” I asked. It had taken everything in me to allow Axel and Ryker a few moments alone in the garage as they worked on the Chevelle. Given his revelation of a few days before, I’d been jumpy at even the slightest motion from him.
Ryker had taken to moving more slowly than was natural for him in his attempt to startle me less. When Axel had asked to help him with the car, I’d had no way of denying him that.
Not without admitting the truth.
Ines jumped up from our tea party in the main house, going for the door to the hall. She stopped there, letting me open it, and the sound of classic rock filtered through the open garage door. It immediately brought me back to my childhood, to my days of sitting on the garage floor in the corner and watching my Daddy chip away at car after car. My toys were always covered in grease.
When Ines ran in through the garage door, I hurried to catch up to her. Axel had his head buried in one of the toolboxes, looking confused as he stared at the treasure trove like it was candy and might jump out and bite him at the same time.
“Hey Sunshine, can you help Axel find the dial indicator?” Ryker asked. He had his head under the hood, his arms disappearing into the engine bay as he fiddled with something. I was dying to get a peek, but I crossed my arms over my chest and enjoyed the sight for a moment longer before I helped my boy.
Ryker’s arms looked too good with his forearms flexed, and I had to shove down my libido that seemed to rise anytime he was anywhere near me.
I’d forgotten what sex felt like, and given the fact that I was only twenty-seven years old, that was just sad. Even if my birthday approached quickly.
With a shake of my head, I went to the toolbox, grabbing the dial indicator and handing it to Ryker. Axel smiled after me, all proud that his Mom knew her tools and car parts. His friends always thought that made me a cool mom, like I could be one of the guys.
No wonder I hadn’t had sex in forever if even six-year-olds saw me as one of the guys. “Are you hungry?” I asked him as I stepped back. “Our tea party is over, and it’s getting late.”
Ryker nodded to me with a warm smile. “I’ll be right in to get cleaned up. Axe, why don’t you head upstairs and take a shower while your Mom starts dinner, yeah?” he asked.
“Okay,” Axel nodded, darting out the door and into the main house.
I turned back to him, annoyance flaring at his continued insistence on acting like he was the kids’ father. “Spaghetti okay? I can cook some meatballs to go with it.” I tossed him a smirk.
He grimaced, glancing at Ines where her eyes darted back and forth between the two of us.
“Yeah, Sunshine. Sounds good,” he lied.
