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I stand there and stare at the envelope for the longest time.
It’s not until my stomach starts growling that I finally move.
Grabbing some snacks, and the letter, I take it all up to my room.
Theo is at football training with the guys. Stella and Calli are doing gym, and I’ve got a ton of homework to do if I want to be on top of everything to spend the entire weekend in Theo’s bed, exactly as he promised earlier.
I put the letter on the side and try to push it from my mind as I work, but it’s easier said than done, and with each minute that passes, I feel its presence more, as if it’s a person in the room staring at me.
“Fuck it,” I mutter, standing from the bed and swiping it from the side.
I rip it open as if the content has already offended me.
Pushing my laptop and books aside, I rest back against my headboard and pull the sheet of paper from inside.
My heart thrashes against my chest with my need for Mum to explain everything and make me understand. Even after everything, I’m still desperate for her to be a good person, the one I thought she was when I was a naïve little girl.
Trying not to think too much into my issues surrounding Mum, I hold the letter before me, taking in her familiar yet awful handwriting.
A smudge in the ink catches my eye, and my heart jumps into my throat. She was crying when she wrote this.
All the promises I’ve made myself over the past few weeks to stop putting her on this special pedestal come crashing down around me.
No matter how much of a fuck-up she is, she’s still my mum, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to shed that connection, that feeling. It might be time for me to come to terms with the fact that I’ll always want her to get better, all the while she continues to disappoint me.
Blowing out a long breath, my eyes find the beginning.
Emmie, my sweet, sweet girl,
I want to say I’m sorry. But those words just aren’t big enough to encompass all the ways I’ve hurt you.
All I’ve ever wanted is a better life for you. I wanted to do right by you the second I discovered I was pregnant.
I was terrified but so excited. I made myself all these stupid promises for how I was going to give you the best life, be the best mother, and offer you the world.
I’ve always been good at lying to myself.
But I’ve screwed it all up, time and time again. And I’m sorry, I truly am.
I should have tried to get clean years ago, but I knew it would mean leaving you and I was too scared.
My chest aches as I think of Mum over the years and all the things we’ve been through together. The pain bleeding in her words, her regret is palpable, and it makes my eyes burn with tears.
I thought Damien was our way out. And it might have been, if my greed and desperation for that new, better life didn’t take control of everything.
The day Luis Wolfe offered me a deal, I should have told him no. I should have walked away.
But I couldn’t. Not when he promised me a way to give you the life I craved.
I was naïve, I’ll admit that. But I was a mess, strung out on God knows what at the time, and when he handed me a wad of cash, I was gone.
But with each week that passed, the more I realised that I’d sold my soul to the devil. But it was too late, and I panicked.
I believed your father, grandfather, and Damien would have protected you. I never, ever thought that Ram would have been on Luis’s side.
I’d like to say that if I knew, I’d have done things differently, but honestly, you know as well as I do that I probably wouldn’t.
I gave Damien your name, knowing that he’d look after his own, and I had to trust that he’d lay down his life for you, just like I knew your father would and hoped Ram would.
