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I hadn’t.
I refused to believe I had.
So when I found him standing by the window, peering out into the yard in the dark, I wondered what he was doing.
We were vigilant by nature. I had two alarm systems that worked simultaneously, and I had two guns. One that went in my nightstand, and one that I stored in a cupboard on the wall in the hallway.
Seamus knew about that one.
He also knew that I’d kill him if he took it out and used it.
Guns were supposed to be stored in a safe place, locked away and secured. And this one most definitely wasn’t. But Seamus was a good shot too. He knew how to lock and load a pistol, knew how to clean a weapon and strip it down—because with his heritage, I had to train him. I had to make sure he knew what he was doing, just in casethisever happened.
Just in case we were back in the life.
I bit my lip, on edge to see that he had the gun in his hand, and rasped, “What are you doing with that, son? And why are you in the dark?”
He cut me a look over his shoulder, and at that moment, it was more than just a similarity to Declan.
It was like I was looking at him that first day I’d met him.
Fuck.
They’d been similar ages, only Declan had been lucky. He’d somehow turned into a jock from a teen rom-com movie. Not a zit in sight, and I don’t remember his voice ever squeaking once.
I was pretty sure it had, and maybe he’d used foundation, or maybe his hormones were controlled to the extent where he never even had to worry about zits because he had them under his domination.
Either way, aside from the few differences, it took me back to my youth seeing him standing there. One occasion, I could easily remember Declan getting a gun out of nowhere and using it to protect Deirdre and me. I’d been so shocked that, to be honest, I couldn’t even remember why he had to get his weapon out. What Ididremember?
Being jealous.
After Declan had kept us safe, she’d clung to him like a limpet, making an octopus look like she had fewer arms as she stuck to his side, all arms and legs around him, tangled up in him.
Me? I’d been out in the cold.
All while over her shoulder, he’d stared at me with the deepest look. A look that still made my skin heat, my blood rush. God, I could remember that so well. The way my adolescent body, one filled with urges I’d never experienced before, had responded to his, to that fire.
I’d been too young to know what that felt like, and yet, I was one of the lucky ones.
Even if Declan was my end, even if it brought me back into a fold I wanted nothing to do with, I could never regret knowing what those emotions felt like.
I considered it my superpower.
Nothing could ever replicate the magnitude of what I’d felt, so I never looked for it. I just had a few hookups, discreet so it would never inflict an ‘uncle’ on Seamus, and I’d even messed around with some clients while I was working on projects for them.
Why not?
I was young, free, and single. I could do whatever the hell I wanted with my body, but I never wanted my heart to be engaged again.
Why would I?
It was the sweetest torture. The most devastating torment.
Love was pain.
Love was pure.
It hurt.
