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Two
2009
The final journal entry by Mariska Vasov
I never imaginedthere’d come a day where I wanted you to read these journals, my darlings, but I hope you read about the mistakes I made and I pray that they don’t lead you down the same path I took.
When you were a little girl, Camille, and Inessa was barely two, I was at a political fundraiser with your father, and that was where I met him.
He was only in his early twenties, and shouldn’t have held any power in that space, but Brennan O’Donnelly dominated the room. He commanded everyone in its vicinity. Truly, I’ve never felt anything like it before—he drew me to him like a moth to a flame, and I’ve never been more okay with being burned.
Brennan is a man like no other. Even if I was only an affair, a change of pace—an older woman, a married one at that, making our time together charged and heated with the fear of us being caught—he was different. So unlike any other man I’ve met in this world of ours. He was honorable. Kind, in his own way. A modern day protector. Whenever I was in his arms, I wished that I was his. That we could be together, that my fate wasn’t tied to Antoni’s, but… that simply wasn’t to be.
I don’t like sharing my secrets with you, not when they cast me in a painful light, but the truth is, I need you to know about Brennan. About the kind of man he is.
Decent.
Generous.
Honorable.
Don’t mistake him for not being dangerous, because he is. He’s just not like your father.
Accept this now, my darlings, that we are broodmares to men like Antoni. Our worth falls to the fruit we can bear, and I’m sure you know this by now that it’s the sons who matter. I wish that weren’t so. I wish that you hadn’t been raised in a world like this, but you have. We don’t just have glass ceilings, but glass cages.
It distresses me more that I have to tell you I knew from early on in my marriage I would die in childbirth. Carrying Camille and then Inessa wasn’t easy, and my doctors advised against having another child. Of course, with no son, that was never going to happen.
Brennan was a spotlight in the darkness. A chance of something more in the middle of a life that I knew was coming to an end. Getting pregnant again felt impossible, and with each passing day, I knew I was becoming surplus to requirements. Call him my last act of rebellion, but I’m hoping he will be your savior.
Just before we parted ways for the final time, I was desperate to protect you. So certain that your father would have me killed for an inability to get pregnant again, I knew I’d be leaving you at his mercy, so I pleaded with Brennan. My daughters, I said to him, are unsafe in their father’s household. If anything happens to me, I need you to protect them. I need you to promise me you’ll watch out for them.
Things ended badly between us, there’s no doubt about that. He’d been pulling away from me for a while, and then he came to me, bruised and beaten, his wrist broken, his nose and a few ribs too. I had a feeling his family knew who he was seeing. I was devastated about losing him and said some things I shouldn’t… But despite all that, despite the hard words we spewed at each other, he still made me that promise, and I know he will uphold it. All this time later, I trust him more than your father, and I haven’t seen him in six years…
Somehow, I survived our break up, I survived the long wait between Inessa and Victoria. No one was more surprised than me to be graced with another beautiful daughter, but your father still didn’t have his son…
Antoni discovered I’d had an affair recently. I don’t know how, nor do I want to. Information is passed around like popcorn at the cinema in this world. It doesn’t matter that it was a long time ago, he’s not the kind of man to forgive or forget. I can see the hatred in his eyes and know that he’s been waiting for any excuse to pull the trigger, but I lied, and told him I thought I was pregnant again. To my misfortune, he came with me to my doctor’s appointment yesterday and discovered that lie.
I know my time remaining is short, and I can only pray that my end is swift. There will be nothing I can do to protect you, my darlings, but Brennanwill.
Camille, I know you, naughty little minx, are aware of where my journals are, so I hope you find these soon after I perish.
You must tell Brennan that he promised me. His honor will never let him rest if he breaks that promise—that is the kind of man he is. The kind of man I’m entrusting your safety to.
Know, my darlings, that I love you all. That you were the joy that made my days. That, without you, my life would have held no meaning.
I would like to hope that I can watch over you, but if God isn’t so kind, then that might not be something I can do. I pray nightly that I’m wrong, that I’m good enough to enter the kingdom of heaven just so I can see you become the beautiful women you are destined to be.
I love you. There are no words to express how much.
Ever yours,
Mama
