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"Only if you'll plan the wedding."
I laugh. "Deal. All I need is a groom's name to get started."
"Hmm, this guy named Sonny sounds pretty promising on the app I'm on."
We spend the rest of the ride to the hotel and the elevator ride up swiping through pictures. By the time we've reached our rooms, across the hall from each other, I have stolen her phone to press like four times.
"Let me know if any result in a date," I say.
"And you let me know how that burger turns out."
"Will do. Night."
I go into my room and drop my purse to the table, exhaustion hitting me at just looking into the bedroom and seeing my bed. A bed big enough to fit me, Ezekiel, and Jeremiah. I shake my head. They're not even answering my texts, let alone filling my bed tonight. I rebuke myself for the hundredth time for even caring that they haven't texted. This is exactly why I never wanted to feel anything beyond desire for them in the first place. This is all such a waste of time. Wondering if they're okay, wanting to call them just to hear their voices because I miss them, yearning for them to be here.
Just to give myself a distraction, I focus on my hunger instead and sit down on the couch to look through the menu. I call room service to order myself a chicken salad, saving the burger Heather mentioned for my last night here. Something to look forward to, because clearly, it won't be conversations or texts from Ezekiel or Jeremiah. Still though, I glance down at my phone again, and aggravation rushes through me at my text yet again being the last on the screen.
I feel like a fool, checking my phone every few minutes while I wait for my dinner, clearly thinking about them way more than they are me. I'm away from them, so maybe it's the perfect time for me to remind myself exactly why I've gotten this far in life without the inconvenience of love, or really even a deep like for another person. For this reason, right here. This sadness I feel right now, the longing, this anger, and the hope. I hate all of it.
My food arrives and I'm, at least, able to forget about everything else as I watch a show while eating my salad. Right as I finish up, my phone vibrates on the table, and I curse myself for how quickly I grab it and unlock the screen. Even more so for the disappointment that fills me when I see it's a text from Heather and not who I really wanted it to be from.
Heather:I ordered the burger for you. I'm heading out. Wish me luck.
Me:I just got done eating a salad, so it's entirely your fault that I will have to gorge myself tonight. Good luck. Give him hell.
As for me, I'm not giving Jeremiah and Ezekiel anything else of me.
Is it fair for me to ask you to try?Jeremiah's words run through my mind.
I've never had to fight with myself about whether or not to care, and I find that having the same internal battle over and over feels endless and tiring. At moments like these, when I find myself questioning if they care, if I'll only end up hurt, I want to let my mind win and quell every single emotion rising in me for them, but then in the other moments, like in the shower with Jeremiah, or when Ezekiel told me he would miss me, my heart begins to win. Whispering to me that it's okay to give in to them, to...What? Deep like? Love? Somewhere in between? I don't know, and that scares me just as much as all the rest.
A knock comes at the door, and I go to it, not looking before opening because I expect it's the burger Heather ordered me, but when I open the door there's no one in the hallway. Suddenly, an arm extends, holding the handles of a large, white paper bag. The bag doesn't matter to me at all though because I know that hand.
"Well, are you gonna take the bag?" Ezekiel asks.
I chuckle and snatch it from him, and only then does he appear. Suddenly, the unanswered texts don't matter. Suddenly, all my thoughts about giving up fade because he's standing before me, white T-shirt, dark blue jeans, one hand in his pocket, those perfect lips curved up in a smile. Out the corner of my eye, I see movement and I turn to find Jeremiah on the other side of the door, his smile just as sexy as his brother's. Black T-shirt, dark grey sweatpants, his hands holding a carton with drinks in it. Drinks for all of us. Just like I can tell from the weight of this bag that it has food in it for more than just me. Are they going to stay here? For how long? But most importantly, they're here now. They'rehere.
"What are you guys doing here?" I ask low, still in disbelief.
"Do you normally take bags from unknown hands?" Jeremiah teases.
"I would know both of your hands anywhere."
"Are you sure about that?" Ezekiel asks, making me look back at him, at his arched brow.
I used to find that damn eyebrow quirk of his so annoying, but the sight of it right now, when I have missed him and Jeremiah so much all day, is enough to almost bring me to my knees...in more ways than one.
"I am," I state.
"So, if we came into your room and blindfolded you, you would know who's doing what?" he questions.
I swallow, just the vision of what he's saying sending heat rushing through me. Funny how I felt so tired before because I’m utterly alert right now, my body fully alive and yearning.
"Well, would you?" Jeremiah presses, making me realize I haven't answered.
I don't know if I could tell everything about them apart, but this is one game I want to play. Desperately.
"I would."
