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"He doesn't see you that way and you know it."
"But he doesn't. And I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out that I'm not some other woman. I deserve better than that."
"You do. I know you do." He nods. "But I want you to give him another chance anyway."
"Just like you wanted me to let love into my heart, and look where that fucking got me. Sitting here, feeling broken hearted because I fell for two men and one of them wants nothing to do with any part of me other than what's between my thighs."
His head snaps back, his surprise making me realize what I just said. What I just confessed.
"Shit," I murmur.
"Wh-what did you just say?"
I look away from him, determined to get my key into the doorknob so I can escape all of this.
"It doesn't matter now," I say.
"Of course, it fucking matters, Lexa. It's all that matters."
"Not to him. Clearly."
"Don't let him being stuck up his own ass control what you're feeling. Everything he said can’t overcome the words I just heard leave your mouth, because your words are the truth and he'll come to realize his aren't."
"I can't take that risk, Jeremiah. I already took a risk, and now I'm standing here feeling shattered because I ignored Ezekiel saying he didn't want any feelings involved in this...whatever we have. Whatever we had."
"No, no."
There's a plea in his voice as his hand comes to my face, turning me to look at him. And yup, just like I thought, his touch undoes me. The tears I've been able to hold back flood my eyes now, making his face blurry.
"Don't say had, please. I'm begging you. Don't think this is the end of us. I don't know what I would do without you, and I know Zek feels the same. I know it. It's in his every word and action."
"Yeah, well, what I heard his words say loud and clear in that car was that he doesn't love me, doesn't trust me, and doesn't want me." I turn the knob and open the door. His hand slips from my face as I step away. "I need you to go. Just go."
I hate that his crestfallen face makes me want to reach for him, to tell him this will somehow be okay in the end. But I don't know how. I can't see how. Not after everything Ezekiel said. Not when I know I can't have one brother without the other.
"I don't want to hurt you, Jer," I croak. "I swear I don't. But I can't stay with you and him, not after what he said."
"I won't let you go, Lexa," he says.
I gather every bit of resolve in me to reply, "You're gonna have to."
I hear a door close and my eyes snap to Ezekiel standing beside the path now. I thought I longed for him to be standing right beside Jeremiah, telling me it was all a lie. Pleading for me not to give up on us. But now that I see him taking his first steps up the pathway, I realize I was wrong. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want his platitudes and excuses. Anger takes over long enough for me to drag my luggage inside. Jeremiah turns his head to look at Ezekiel over his shoulder, and I, cowardly, use that moment to enter my apartment.
"Leave, Jeremiah. And take him with you."
Jeremiah's eyes meet mine as his mouth opens, but I never hear what he has to say because I close the door in his face. I’m unable to move away from it. Not even as I hear Jeremiah and Ezekiel begin to argue on the other side of it. I squeeze my eyes shut as they curse back and forth at each other. Half of me wants Ezekiel to beat this door down and take me in his arms, kiss away this pain. The other half wants Jeremiah to do as I said and leave, taking his brother with him.
"I just need to talk to her," Ezekiel says.
"You've done enough fucking talking, don't you think?" Jeremiah spits back. "She doesn't wanna hear a word from you right now, so respect that."
There’s silence for a little while before I hear gravel under shoes. I open my eyes and stare at the white paint until I can no longer hear it, until I can feel that they're gone. Only then do I let the tears fall. Only then do I release the shuddering breath that's been trapped in my chest since I heard Ezekiel's words. Only then do I let the pain overwhelm me.
Two days later and I still don't feel like the heartache is done with me. I haven't done anything more than eat, although I can hardly taste the food, or take a shower, even though it becomes me standing under the water while I cry. And I sleep, even though that takes hours to come and provide me any relief from this constant pain.
I haven't even unpacked my luggage, only getting my toothbrush and phone charger out of it. I regret doing even that now though, as another text from Jeremiah comes through. I only know it's him from his name flashing across the screen with the incoming text, but, like all the others since he and Ezekiel walked away from my door, I don't open the message. I don't even pick up my phone to unlock it and see if Ezekiel's texted me too. I know he hasn't, only making all of this worse.
Does he not even care that he can clearly see his brother texting me in our group chat and me not responding? Does he feel no regret for the things he said? Has he, at all, changed his mind and decided that no, I'm not their ex and did not at all deserve the things he said? I don't know, and I'm trying to convince myself that I don't want to know, either. I'm only lying to myself though. Because pain that I swore I would never allow myself to feel or not, I love Ezekiel. I love Jeremiah. And I want them here right now, even if it would only be while they hold me in silence as I persuade myself that I'm not a fool for falling for them. I want Jeremiah to keep texting, even though I know I can't read his words because it'll only make the pain worse. Even though I know I can no longer have him, and that whatever he's saying, however sweet it is because I know it will be, can't mean what I want it to now. I was afraid of Jeremiah ending up caught in the middle of two heartless people. Now, he's caught in the middle of one brokenhearted person and one who's denying he has a heart to feel anything at all.
