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I blow out a heavy breath and open the message to read the rest.
I need to know you're okay.
Apparently, I haven't cried enough over them because the tears come again now. I owe him much more than silence. I know that. He's not the one who hurt me. Not the one whose words tore my heart apart. So instead of responding to his text, or the many others one I see above it, I press the phone icon to call him. He picks up on the second ring.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"I am. And I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. It just...felt..."
"Easier not to hear my voice?"
"Yes," I admit. "But it was still wrong."
"You don't have to apologize to me, Lexa. I understand. I do miss you, though."
God, his words clench my heart, gripping it with a deadly vice that makes my next words come out hoarse. "I miss you, too."
"So, then—"
"But it doesn't change anything," I interrupt him. "It won't work. It can't work without all of us being in this together, and clearly that's not going to happen."
"Ezekiel's an asshole. We all know that, but he always ends up seeing how wrong he is."
"And I'm supposed to wait around for what? For him to get over his distrust for me? A distrust that I never did anything to put there? No, I deserve better than that. I know I do. And you deserve someone that you can love without feeling like it's dragging you away from your brother. Because that's all me and you being together now would do—it would come in between you and Ezekiel, and I won't be the cause of that. Never. We both know that's what would happen. You would resent him for pushing me away, I would be with one of you when I am in love with both."
"How can you say those words and sound like you're saying goodbye to me all at once?"
The pain in his voice makes me bring my hand to my chest, to the physical pain there.
"I just got off the phone with my mother. She was talking about second chances and believing in love and all that. I don't know if I can give Ezekiel another chance, or if he even wants one, really, but I do know that I love you and him. So, I figure, I can at least truly say it to you once. I love you, Jeremiah. Know that."
"I love you, too, Lexa. So fucking much."
"I don't feel whole without the two of you. I don't know if I ever will. But I know that I wanted you both, because the three of us together is when everything feels right. Feels like it was always meant to be. I miss it, but I'm not willing to accept that someone I'm with doesn’t trust me, or doesn’t want me back."
"Nor should you," he says low. "But you said second chances, is that...if Ezekiel actually begins to rub his last two brain cells together, would that be an option?"
"I don't know, Jer. I can't help but feel like the things he said in the car weren't how he truly feels. I don’t really see a way back from that."
"If I text you, just you and I, will you text me back?"
"Isn't that just asking for more pain?"
"Maybe. But you're worth the hurt."
My eyes close at that as I whisper, "Okay."
He gives me a chuckle, even if it sounds strained. "Don't ignore me again. I know where you live."
"Are you threatening me, Jer?" I laugh.
"More like promising to show up with some food and a piece of cake."
"Oh, cake? Now, you're pulling out the big guns."
It feels so good to laugh with him, even if I have the reality that this probably won't last. Jeremiah and I could never just be friends after what we've shared.
"I love you, Lexa," he says again.
"I love you, Jeremiah."
"I'll make sure that's not the last time I hear you say so."
He hangs up and I'm left looking at my screen, showing the text messages again now. Ezekiel's name is right there, for me to call, for me to try and have some semblance of a conversation with. But I shake my head and put my phone down. I'm not ready yet.
I don't know if I ever will be.
