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“Maybe.”
Maybe? Really? Okay, this was serious. “What’s the matter, Joe?”
“Me? Nothing.”
“Come on.” She nudged him with her shoulder, too, but hard, punishing him. “This is me you’re talking to. What’s going on? Is it Carrie? Are you devastated having lost her to Kevin?”
He snorted and sent her a look she didn’t need to see clearly to know was toxic. “Please.”
“Sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“You’re right. I’m not.” Her voice came out harder than she expected. “If you’d gone for her I would have had to sock her. Or you. Or both.”
“Sarah...”
Her stomach turned over. She knew that tone, one he almost never used. Last time was when his mom had been diagnosed with late stage cancer. “Yes, Joe.”
“I’ve been offered a job in Phoenix.”
“What?”
“You heard me,” he said calmly.
Yes. She had. And she felt as if she’d been given that sock in the gut she was saving for Carrie.
Joe had been looking for a job without telling her. He’d gotten a job without telling her. He was going to move...and was telling her.
“Wow.” Sarah swallowed convulsively. She’d need to try harder to sound pleased for him. “That’s great, Joe.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome!” Ugh. Now she sounded perky. Her face was heating; there was a weird rushing sound in her ears, but she sounded like Miss America on speed. Or Carrie. “What will you be doing?”
“More of the same. Computer geeks are pretty indispensable. But I like the culture of the new place a lot. And it’s more money, a good move up.”
“Great!” Now she sounded manic. Very close to insane. She could not process this, could only keep asking the expected questions, trolling for basic information, when all she wanted to do was ask how in hell he could do this to her. “When did you hear?”
“They called me a few hours ago.”
“Well...wow.” She tried desperately to sound happy. She would not make this about her. If this was what he wanted, this was what he should have. Phoenix. Jeez. Wasn’t that on the other side of the planet? “This is thrilling.”
“Yeah.”
Sarah forced a laugh. “You don’t sound very thrilled, Joe.”
“You don’t, either.”
No. She’d tried. But she couldn’t bullshit Joe. Never had been able to. Maybe she needed to stop bullshitting everyone, and then the Joes of the world would find her.
Not damn likely.
She summoned all her strength, while her heart felt as if it were going to explode. Not have Joe around? Not see Joe? Be far away from Joe? She couldn’t get her brain to comprehend a change that huge. Boston wouldn’t be the same. “Trust me, I am incredibly happy for you. You deserve this. When do you start?”
“I haven’t accepted the offer yet.”
Hope. Giant shimmering globs of it, surrounding her like a bubble bath gone wrong.
“But you will?” The end of her sentence quavered, betraying her hope. She hadn’t meant it to be a question. She hadn’t meant to show her vulnerability.
“I’d be a fool to turn it down.”
“You would.” She nodded vigorously, voice too high and too loud. “You absolutely would. And you’re not a fool.”
He laughed bitterly. She’d never heard him sound like that, and it frightened her. “I’ve been a fool for a long time.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Sarah...one of the reasons I applied for this job, was because I was starting to realize that I need to get on with my life. Career-wise, but also...I’d like to get married someday. And hanging around you so much, I realized was a way to avoid finding a woman I could really be with.”
Sarah forced her eyes open as wide as possible, blinking rapidly. Joe in love. Joe married. Joe at home with babies and a wife.
Joe with a woman who wasn’t Sarah.
Of course. Of course he deserved that. Of course he did. And she was going to be freaking crazy happy for him. Her new mantra: the world was not about her. She was done being Selfish Sarah. No one on earth had suffered more from that selfishness than Joe.
