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I lifted my eyes to his, hope and desperation swirling in his brilliant, blue orbs. Parting my lips, I paused, then shook my head. “I can’t.”
His shoulders fell, expression pinching. “Can’t? Or won’t?”
“That’s not it. Imogene—”
“Of course.” He threw his hands up. “Imogene… Are you always going to use her as an excuse?”
“She’s not an excuse. She—”
“Yes, she is!” he roared, advancing. Out of instinct, I backed up, flattening my spine against the wall.
Regret instantly covered his features. He halted, sucking in a calming breath before focusing his attention back on me.
“You use her as an excuse for bloody everything, Julia,” he continued, calmer. “You have from the beginning. And I fucking get it, okay? This is scary for you. It’s scary for me, too. I’m trying here, Julia. So bloody hard. But I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I love you, it’ll never be enough.”
I inhaled sharply, darting my wide eyes to his, a mixture of excitement and dread filling me as his confession hung in the air.
“What did you say?” I whispered.
He stepped toward me, framing my face in his hands. “I love you,” he confessed, not shying away from it.
Not like I so often did when discussing my emotions. After a lifetime of constantly having someone use my feelings against me, it was a pre-programmed response.
“Maybe you think it’s too soon, since we’ve only known each other a few months. But if losing Piper and my sister taught me anything, it’s that we should tell people how we feel about them every chance we get. So that’s what I’m doing. Not holding back. Not letting fear control me. Because make no mistake about it, Julia…”
His hold on my face tightened, eyes searing me.
“This fucking petrifies me. But I love you. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll say it back. I get that you have a lot more to work through than I do.” He licked his lips. “I’m telling you this because you deserve to know that you’re loved. That you don’t have to live in fear anymore.” He inched toward me. “That you don’t have to let him control you anymore.
“Please… Don’t let him do this. Don’t go see him.”
“If he knows something—”
“I understand why you feel like you have to do this,” he interrupted. “You feel guilty that you didn’t do enough to prevent harm from coming to all those women. If anyone appreciates that kind of guilt, it’s me. I killed my girlfriend. Me. And not because of some indirect cause or failure to act. I picked up a gun, knowing I could barely see more than an inch in front of me, and fired.”
“Yes, but you were trying to protect her. I—”
“For the longest time, I wore that guilt like a goddamn badge of honor. Convinced myself I didn’t deserve to be happy. I put up wall after wall, refusing to allow people in. But you made me realize I do deserve to be happy.” He paused. “When are you going to realize you deserve to be happy, too? When are you going to finally let me in?”
I shook my head, chest aching. “I don’t think I know how.”
He closed his eyes, disappointment covering every inch of him as he dropped his hold on me and stepped back, increasing the distance between us.
“Maybe you need to figure that out,” he choked out on a quiver. “Because if this is all you’re going to give me, if you’re always going to keep me at arm’s length, it doesn’t matter how much I love you. It will never be enough.”
A chill consumed me, my throat constricting. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you need to make a decision, Julia. You can either be with me completely…or not be with me at all. I can’t live in the middle anymore. Can’t be in a relationship with someone who perpetually has one foot out the door. So until you’re ready to jump into this with both feet, I can’t continue giving you my heart only for you to keep destroying it. Because that’s what this is doing, Julia. It’s fucking destroying me. And I know it’s destroying you, too. You’re just too damn stubborn to admit it. “
“Lachlan, I—”
“I’m begging you. Be with me. Choose me. Not him. Don’t go see him. Don’t give him the satisfaction.”
I swallowed hard at the emotion radiating off him, coupled with his passionate plea.
It should have been so easy to tell him I chose him. That I’d ignore Nick’s request.
But I couldn’t. Not with everything at stake.
