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I just don’t have the kind of control I used to when it comes to her. I will have her any way possible. Even if it’s by force.
3
WINNIE
I sit in the rec room putting one of the puzzles together. It always gets quiet around this time. Loneliness is a blanket that covers me each night.
The children all went to bed around eight. My heart is heavy tonight. I know I’ll never get any sleep. Oftentimes when I sleep my dreams feel so real. I wonder if they are about my life before. I was in love, I think—if the things I see in my dreams are real. I try to grasp on to them, but they always slip away from me. Each night I try to get more—but not tonight.
All my thoughts right now are on Faith. I was beyond surprised that Faith’s mom actually came back to get her today. All of us had debated if we should call the police when Lisa dropped off the map for a few days. We all knew Faith would end up in the system if we did that. I feel so helpless when it comes to her. I can’t help but worry.
She’s the sweetest little girl I’ve ever seen. I’d actually been looking into what it would take for me to take over care for her. I know it’s a wild dream and there is no real chance of that happening, but it’s nice to dream. I mean I’m living in a freaking shelter, I can’t remember my life, I only just got a job, and I’m pregnant with my own little jelly bean. So the chances of me taking over Faith’s care are zero to none.
Fawn did mention that I was more than welcome to take the small apartment that the staff often use. That was after I once again turned down her offer to come and stay with her. She asks me almost every day. Honestly I said no because of Faith. I want to remain close by so that she knows I’ll always be around if she needs me.
“They’ll be back,” Taylor says, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “Lisa is always doing this crap. She was sober when she showed up today.” She takes the chair next to mine, doing the puzzle with me. Taylor has worked here the longest. She knows everything about everyone.
“She deserves so much better.” I wipe the tear off my cheek. “I know everyone here does, but the other moms at least care about their children. Lisa can’t seem to get away from Faith fast enough. When she actually makes time for Faith, nothing that little girl does ever seems to be good enough for her.”
“You’ve grown attached.”
“It’s hard not to.” We were drawn to each other instantly.
“It’s only a matter of time before Lisa royally fucks up. For now, you get all your ducks in a row and be ready for that day. That’s the best thing you can do.”
“Thanks.” I grab on to the small trace of hope. It’s a goal to work toward. I’m not sure how I could ever handle a baby and a little one. Where there is a will there's a way.
“Has anything come back to you yet?”
I shake my head no. I started looking into amnesia and the way it works. The brain is capable of some crazy things. Like hiding stuff from oneself that is traumatic. I can’t help but wonder if that’s why I’m not remembering anything. Am I subconsciously trying to protect myself?
“When they found me I wasn't far along in my pregnancy. Whoever the father is might not even know.”
“He could be out there somewhere trying to find you. We still have no idea why you were in New Hope. We know you’re not from here. The bus station wasn’t far from where they found you.”
I’ve thought about that too. I want to try and hold out for something, but I know that is a silly dream. I need to pull my big girl panties up. I’m about to be a mom.
“What if he was the one who did this to me?” Taylor cringes. “I hadn't thought that, but the police did. I’m not even sure if I should be trying to find out who I am. What if the person comes after me again?”
“Shit,” Taylor says. “I hadn't thought about that.” The one piece of silver lining was the doctors telling me I hadn’t been sexually assaulted.
“If I was on the bus I was likely running from someone.”
“Or going to meet someone. You could have gotten off at the stop here to get dinner or something.”
“Maybe,” I agree, wanting that to be true.
“No matter what it is, you’re a strong girl. You’ll figure it out.” She pops another piece of the puzzle in place before getting up to leave me alone with my thoughts.
