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21
Ruth Anne
Edmonds, Washington – 2018
Desperate for Brandy tounderstand why Eddie could never be innocent, I told her my secret. She stared at me in horror.
Behind me, someone gasped. I spun around, devastated to see Lia.
My daughter pressed a hand to her mouth. “He... he raped you? I’m the result of a rape?”
“Oh, Lia.” Tears stung my eyes. “I never wanted you to know. I wanted to protect you from having to live with this.”
“But you told Brandy?”
“I had to. She needed to understand the evil her father is capable of. She needed to understand why he couldn’t possibly be innocent.”
Lia shook her head. “Papa’s not my dad.”
“Oh, honey. Of course, he’s your dad. Papa has loved you from the beginning and always will.”
“And he knows? He found out when I was in high school?” She squeezed her eyes tight as giant tears slid down her face. “The divorce? Was that because of me?”
“No, of course not. Not at all, honey.” I stepped toward her, needing her to understand everything was fine now. Now that Brandy understood what Eddie was capable of, she could end this ridiculous notion that he was innocent. And Lia, now that she knew...
A sob escaped my daughter, but she pressed on. “Why did you keep me? Why didn’t you get rid of me or give me away?” She swiped at her cheeks, her face growing red. “When you look at me, do you see him? Do I remind you of what happened?”
“Oh, honey.” My heart split right down the middle. “I always tried to protect you from this. I always tried to love and take care of you. I always—”
“You always tried? You had to try to love me? Was I that difficult to love?”
“I don’t mean it like that. I mean I always did love you, but I know I messed up. I love you—” I stepped toward her, my arms open, wanting to comfort her.
“Don’t, Mother. Just Don’t.”
“Lia.”
“No.” With that, she turned and stormed out the door. I ran after her, but she jumped into her car and drove away.
* * *
Several minutes later,my heart heavy, I backed out of Brandy’s driveway and drove home. I’d made a huge mistake revealing my secret.
I’d only wanted Brandy to understand that Eddie hadn’t been just a danger to her mother, he was pure evil. Believing in his innocence or having a relationship with him would only end in disaster.
Lia finding out... That nearly killed me. I never wanted Lia to know. I’d failed her in so many ways, but I’d always loved her. I’d always done everything in my power to protect her.
The more I tried to explain myself, the more upset she became.
Now, alone in my house, I wandered into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. If only I had a friend to talk to about this. If only I still had my sister or a neighbor or someone from school. But the reality was I had no one.
While I was friendly with many of my co-teachers, I just didn’t have that kind of relationship with any of them. Even Harriet and I weren’t close like that, and I’d known her for years.
Squeezing my eyes tight, I tried to stave off my loneliness. It was me, after all, who distanced myself from others. Me who held on tightly to my secrets and anger as if they were living beings in need of my time and attention.
The volunteer moms and teachers from school often invited me to various events—Bunco, book club, wine tasting. I’d gone a few times, but I’d always felt self-conscious and outside the group. Everyone else but me seemed to have their lives together.
Carrying my tea, I went out to the garden. Would Lia ever be able to forgive me? Should I drive over to her apartment now, or should I give her time and space to process everything?
In the garden, my plants were responding to the cool fall weather by shutting down. I needed to give them extra mulch and water for the coming freeze. I also needed to deadhead the cosmos, collect wildflower seeds, pick the apples, and turn the compost.
Ignoring it all, I collapsed onto the bench. Pain and disappointment seeped into my bones. Unable to stand it one more second, I broke down and called the only person who could possibly offer the smallest amount of help.
I called my ex-husband.
