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A Little Push
Leigh
I’monamission.I can’t change how I handled things the last few weeks, but I’m sure as hell going to deal with all of it now. And that starts here.
I swing open the door to the apartment and set my bags down. “Abuelita?”
She appears in the room, wide-eyed. “Mija.” She walks toward me, arms outstretched, but I hold my hand up.
“I’m still really mad at you, but I’m tired of running. So, let’s get it all out. Why didn’t you tell me she was in rehab? That she wanted to come home? You knew for so long. I know it was in the letter, but you still should have told me.”
“I know. I… I wanted you to read the letter, to see her words for yourself. But I was trying to protect you, too. I watched you get your hopes up, only to have them be crushed. Seeing you go through all of that again—I didn’t want that for you.”
“It happened anyway.”
“Yes, it did.”
“If I had known, I would’ve reached out to her. That’s what I’m angriest about. She didn’t know how I felt. That even though I was mad, I loved her. I wanted her to succeed.”
Abuelita walks over to me and gently tucks my hair back. “She knew. She knew that even if you couldn’t say it, you loved her.”
“But I should have been able to say it. I’m mad at you for that. But I’m pissed at myself, too. I could’ve read that letter, but I chose not to.” Sighing, I walk to the couch and sit down. Abuelita follows and joins me. “I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve prevented it. If I’d talked to her—”
Abuelita grabs my hand and looks at me seriously. “Mijita, there’s nothing we could’ve done that would’ve changed this. She always had my love and support, and she always chose the same path. I’ll never know what motivated it. We gave her everything we could. I wish I knew why she chose to use again. She’d come so far. But whether you had called her or not, she still would have done it. We could’ve been right there, and she still would have made the same choice. We couldn’t have fixed her demons, no matter how badly we wanted to.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as a tornado of hurt and anger whirls inside me.
“If you’re mad at me, that’s okay. If you’re mad at her, that’s okay, too. I’m mad at her. I’m madforyou. Just like I’ve always been. Oh, I wish I could’ve protected you from this.”
I turn to Abuelita and wrap my arms around her. “I know. Thank you for always being here. I’m sorry I—”
“It’s okay, sweet girl. We’re okay. And we’re going to get through this, I promise.”
We hold each other for a long time as we cry.
“I’m thinking of going to therapy,” I say, wiping my eyes as we finally pull apart.
“Then you’re stronger than me.” She squeezes my leg. “How about some hot chocolate?” She rises from the couch and heads for the kitchen.
“The real kind?” I ask, following her.
“Ay! Don’t insult me. Of course, the real kind.”
I grab the cinnamon sticks and chili pepper from the cabinet, then walk over, wrap an arm around her waist, and kiss her cheek. “I love you, Abuelita.”
She stops fussing and turns to me, pulling me into her arms. “Oh, mijita. I love you, too.”
